The Day After a Successful Hunt

Today was the big day. A party. A celebration of making it to the other side without actually seeing death. I wanted to make it epic. Scott did not. He literally hates...HATES being the center of attention. So when I insisted on making a big deal of celebrating, after leaving the hospital I yelled, "Whooo Hoo!! We get to have a party!"

Long awkward silence. A strange pause. This was not the reaction I anticipated. Then he piped up, "Is it bad to wish for the surgery, so I don't have to have the party?" Um yeah. It is. We want a party. Okay. I really wanted a party. I am the only one who really wanted it. It was for me. I'm back to feeling selfish. I wanted to have fun, let go, cast off all my worries and feel like everyone and everything is in a good place. I didn't think that was a bad thing.

Apparently, once good news and hope is found we are supposed to go back to living the way we did before. It felt like no one wanted to acknowledge the accomplishment. It's only a big deal if you're actually dying, not if you're living. 

I feel jipt. I feel like we needed a wedding like celebration, with all our friends and family gathered to congratulate us on making it through this tough journey, intact and still kickin. But no one else felt the same. Not even the hunter who had returned home victorious. 

I am reminded of all the veterans who quietly return home, without fanfare or parades of honor. Or college graduates who tirelessly persue master degrees while working full time jobs and raising kids, who never walk a stage to receive their standing ovation from a pleased audience. And all the survivors of violent crimes, who bravely face living with trauma and don't get justice of any kind. No one makes a big deal of the surviving. 

It's not that no one cares. I've already established that they do and care a great deal. Which is why I felt it sting a bit that we could not have a big party attended by all those we love. 

Although there will no doubt be theme songs with huge fanfare in my head everyday I get to wake up next to the love of my life, I did miss the hoopla. But it's okay. I have each day to go forward and do what I was put here to do. I have spent far too much time second guessing myself and hoping I'm doing what others expect me to. 

No more of that. 

This journey is taking some seriously unexpected turns. I didn't expect so much self discovery in this process. I am ecstatic to begin again with this new perspective and see what comes up. It's time to start scouting again. I've made peace with my new role as a hunter.  I'm just not sure how to mesh that with my inner party planner.