It's Offically Hunting Season

As our 8th month begins living with a brain tumor and deciphering what exactly is involved with that, I am reminded of several things.

First of all, February was brutal. Excruciating actually. As I stood there, screaming over my husband while he was having a Grand-Mal seizure, I kept thinking, "What if this is it? What if I never see him again?" I know I've said it before. But it was a big what if for me. In the 3 days we spent in the hospital, 2 of those days, the Scott I knew was not totally present. He did not recognize me. He did not recognize his own children. He knew he was in the hospital and did not want to be there. He knew he had to get out before someone told him he was never leaving. It was awful, gut-wrenching in fact. And then, just like that....he suddenly woke up. With the help of one of his best friends and reminders of the thing he loves to do most in this world, he was back.

Hunting... 

They talked and talked about hunting trips, and the things they have seen and done. They discussed stuff that seemed unimportant and irrelevant to my life as I knew it. And yet, it was this very stuff that literally seemed to be bringing him back to his own consciousness. Maybe it was me just me or his wishful thinking, but I thought I could literally smell gunpowder in the air. The smiles, the laughter, and the genuine love radiating in that room that night, was phenomenal. Scott was somehow able to breathe into his own soul the very parts of life that give his own so much meaning. It was quite literally a miracle to me. But how could I have been so oblivious to the importance of hunting, in my husband's life? How could I not know it was the very thing he actually lives for? I had said it, in jest, but didn't actually know it was true until that very moment.

Hunting has been  a source of a lot of contention in our home for many years. Not because I am against it, but because I simply did not get exactly what this really means to him. I saw hunting as a very expensive and time consuming distraction and a means to get away from the daily grind, to be a kid again and hide out in the woods and be naughty, without judgement or responsibility. I really viewed it as just a mancation with a reason to go out and kill something.

I didn't get it.  Maybe because I'm not a man and I'm just not wired the same. I don't feel the need to stalk and kill something. I don't enjoy blood and guts. I'm perfectly fine with the evolution of the grocery store and all the conveniences of modern society. I like sleeping inside where it's temperature controlled, in a nice, soft, fluffy, comfy bed up off the ground. I like bathrooms that don't smell and are enclosed for my privacy. I like getting my food already prepared to cook and eat. Call me crazy or spoiled. I'm okay with it.  I am probably the reason for all the problems of the modern world. I love the mall. I like shopping. I like the city, I'll have all of it please, with a side of lazy.

I can't help it. I am allergic to anything primitive. I did not camp or fish, or garden, or farm, or any of those things as a kid. I didn't learn to love or respect hunting it as a child and as an adult, I have been forced in a sense, to tolerate it. I have many reasons for being adverse to this whole "getting back to nature" thing. Not because these are not good things, but because I didn't recognize the significance and didn't have a reason to until now. It only took one night in the hospital with my husband and his friend, to literally erase all the ill will I had towards hunting and give me reason to be okay with getting back to basics.

Now, I want to fully comprehend what hunting is really all about. I need to understand why this was the thing that brought my husband back to us. As I was watching Scott and his brother Larry, pack up the truck to leave yesterday, it really hit me hard.  I stood there, my eyes welling up with tears I could not control, thinking...this almost didn't happen. How miserable would he really be and how much worse of a situation would we have here, if he could never do this again? To loose a career is nothing in comparison to the thought of never being able to hunt again. "Just kill me" is his response to that.

I was overcome with gratitude that Scott was able to be packing his truck up and actually going on his annual hunting trip. My heart was overflowing that his brother would fly in just to go along and not to hunt himself. I could not hold back my emotions, although I tried really, really hard. Scott looked back at me once the truck was full and asked if I was okay. I said, "Oh yeah. My allergies are really bad today for some reason and my eyes won't stop watering this morning."

Larry gave me a look that said, "I'm onto you." But left it unsaid, which I'm grateful for. I didn't want my emotional state to take away from the excitement of what was happening. The anticipation seemed exhilarating to Scott and I literally saw him climbing from cloud to cloud, happily landing on about 6 or 7 as they pulled out of the driveway, knowing full well he would reach cloud 9 in full camo, wandering the woods, waiting to take his shot.

I could spend hours blogging about the trials of being a hunting widow. But for the life of me, I never thought I would actually find a reason to love this time of year and be grateful that Scott can be out hunting. He gets to do what he loves to do and that truly makes me happy for him. He never complains that I shop too much. He never says to me that I spend too much time looking at shoes online. He goes along with me when I drag him to "just look" although I know how much he dislikes it.

My husband tries to just let me be who I am and do whatever I want, whether that's shopping or building my business. He goes out of his way to do things for me to make my life easier. He doesn't intentionally make me feel like I have to ask for his approval or permission to do anything. I am so grateful for that. I need to be more like him in that way and the least I can do is support him in hunting. I do many other things for him too...but wholeheartedly giving a thumbs up to hunting was a big one for me. I finally can, just let him be and do what he loves... because in my mind, the chance is now. Life is too short  not to do the things you love which gives you purpose. Hunting does not take away any of Scott's feelings or love for me. I wish I had understood this a lot sooner and without a brain tumor. But hey, some of us have to learn the hard way.

I titled this blog "Hunting for Hope" because Scott loves hunting and I've been hunting for years and didn't recognize it. I didn't know how many things it teaches us about life. Hunting gives purpose. Hunting forces preparedness and patience and many other things I take for granted on a daily basis. My husband and I had been hunting for different things, and then this tragic and life changing news gave us an opportunity to hunt together.  Now days, we have far more similarities than we have differences. Things are not perfect, but we maintain the hope we will get through this together.

We're both forever scared by events that brought us here. We have a reason to cry, a reason to be sad, a reason to have others feel sorry for us. And yet, we have many more reasons to rejoice and celebrate. We do have cause to tell people, "Don't feel sorry." We hunt for hope daily and find it regularly.

Here's to hoping we can all find things to renew our sense of purpose, our reasons for living, or even just one more moment filled with the kind of joy that sends our souls searching for that feeling over and over again. I sincerely hope we can continue to find positive ways to wake up and come back to being conscious to the world as it "is" with a greater acceptance of who we really are and what we truly need.

I am genuinely happy to say my hunter is out hunting this week. I hope his efforts are rewarded in many meaningful ways. Even if we don't get a freezer full of meat....I will have a heart full of gratitude for the opportunity we both have had to understand more about what makes us happy and what it means to be fulfilled. I know we will continue to have sorrow and hard times. We will continue to fall and make mistakes. We might deal with illness for a long time to come. We might miss some great opportunities. We might risk it all and come away with less than we thought we should have.

But no matter what, we will come away from each experience more knowledgeable and with more understanding than we had before... and I think that just might be the entire point.

Happy Hunting!