The Day After a Successful Hunt

Today was the big day. A party. A celebration of making it to the other side without actually seeing death. I wanted to make it epic. Scott did not. He literally hates...HATES being the center of attention. So when I insisted on making a big deal of celebrating, after leaving the hospital I yelled, "Whooo Hoo!! We get to have a party!"

Long awkward silence. A strange pause. This was not the reaction I anticipated. Then he piped up, "Is it bad to wish for the surgery, so I don't have to have the party?" Um yeah. It is. We want a party. Okay. I really wanted a party. I am the only one who really wanted it. It was for me. I'm back to feeling selfish. I wanted to have fun, let go, cast off all my worries and feel like everyone and everything is in a good place. I didn't think that was a bad thing.

Apparently, once good news and hope is found we are supposed to go back to living the way we did before. It felt like no one wanted to acknowledge the accomplishment. It's only a big deal if you're actually dying, not if you're living. 

I feel jipt. I feel like we needed a wedding like celebration, with all our friends and family gathered to congratulate us on making it through this tough journey, intact and still kickin. But no one else felt the same. Not even the hunter who had returned home victorious. 

I am reminded of all the veterans who quietly return home, without fanfare or parades of honor. Or college graduates who tirelessly persue master degrees while working full time jobs and raising kids, who never walk a stage to receive their standing ovation from a pleased audience. And all the survivors of violent crimes, who bravely face living with trauma and don't get justice of any kind. No one makes a big deal of the surviving. 

It's not that no one cares. I've already established that they do and care a great deal. Which is why I felt it sting a bit that we could not have a big party attended by all those we love. 

Although there will no doubt be theme songs with huge fanfare in my head everyday I get to wake up next to the love of my life, I did miss the hoopla. But it's okay. I have each day to go forward and do what I was put here to do. I have spent far too much time second guessing myself and hoping I'm doing what others expect me to. 

No more of that. 

This journey is taking some seriously unexpected turns. I didn't expect so much self discovery in this process. I am ecstatic to begin again with this new perspective and see what comes up. It's time to start scouting again. I've made peace with my new role as a hunter.  I'm just not sure how to mesh that with my inner party planner. 

Eat, Sleep, Hunt

The morning of surgery, I got up at 5am. I showered and dressed and met Tanya for breakfast at round 6am. I didn't want to eat in front of Scott because he couldn't have any food past midnight the night before. As I left, I said I would be back to wake him and we could go over to the hospital.

I made my way down the hall and we had a few bites to eat.  I was glad for the moments of normalcy we shared, talking, laughing and remembering all the moments that stood out to us from the previous day. I was grateful to have her there with me. I was hopeful that we would finally have some answers and know what we are doing. Something would begin today.

We had two choices. The doctor told us clearly when we first met with him, that there was a chance this mass was not what it appeared to be. He said again, on the phone just before we left for vacation, that it would not hurt his feelings to have to cancel this surgery. Remember... there was this slight chance that the mass was something else other than an anaplastic glioblastoma and the way the doctor would know what he was likely dealing with would come after waiting some time and having another scan to compare to the first.

We were praying for anything but glioblastoma. No one should pray to have encephalitis or a brain infection, but we did that. No one should pray to have a brain tumor that wouldn't grow. We did that. No one should have to pray for a miracle..but we did that too. We literally prayed and prayed and prayed. We said one last prayer before leaving for the hospital just before 7 am. We all felt a sense of peace and knew we had no more time. We had to go.

We found our way to AIP. Anshutz (the name of the hospital which in German means protection) Inpatient Patient check in. Scott was number 22. They took his advance directive that we brought, along with all his insurance information and a copy of his driver's license.

His mom and step-dad had made the long trip from Salmon Idaho, to be there  in support of Scott and were eagerly awaiting results with the rest of us. The called Scott back, and the 4 of us had to stay in the waiting room with only  a color coded monitor to keep us informed of his progression.

After about 30 minutes, a nurse came out and called my name. I thought, "There must be someone named Tammy her having surgery today too." Then she called out again. I got and went to her and she asked me if I was here for Scott. "Yes."

She said that two us could go back. So I asked Scott's mom if she would like to come back with me and we went to where they had Scott hiding out. He was getting an I.V. placed and had already changed into the hospital gown. He looked miserable. He didn't want to be there at all. I could see the fear on his face and the disappointment of having to be here all over again. I hugged him, kissed his forehead and whispered in his ear. "You want me to break you outta here?" "YES!" Came his fervent reply. "I want to just go home, but i known I can't."

They started prepping him for a CT scan and I was a bit confused. The doctor said they would take another MRI before deciding on surgery, not a CT. SO I spoke up and began asking questions and insisting they do what they said they were going to do, and not change it up last minute. A call went to the neurosurgeon, who was doing another procedure in the O.R. at the time. When he was able to call back, the nurse came to explain why the change was made and helped reassure us that the doctor had made the decision, and he was sure that what he needed would be see on CT, just as well as MRI. Then she followed up with, "Dr. Lilliehei will come and talk to you as soon as he is done in the O.R. Nothing will be decided until you talk to him personally."

I did feel a bit of relief knowing that we trusted this surgeon and knew he had our best interest in mind. He did have a way of making us feel that he would not lead us astray. Then all the staff began arriving, informing of the process and getting consent for this treatment and that. No one else, but Scott and I knew seemed to know at all that there was a possibility that surgery would be cancelled today. Every time we said it to someone, they looked at us like we has three heads. The resident, who came to prep Scott for the CT, said to other staff members that the surgery would in fact be taking place, as if we did not know what we were talking about at all.

I am purposely leaving out the negative things I have to say about certain staff and how they reacted to us. They obviously had some lessons to learn and my hope is they were aware enough, that they were the students and not the teacher on this one.

By 10:40am, just 3 hours and 40 minutes after our arrival, Dr. Lilliehei came back and said, with a huge smile on his face, that this was not the type of tumor he initially thought it was. There appears to be calcium in the mass. This gave the doctor more information than he had before. Calcium takes a long time to form. This is apparently a huge clue that this tumor has been there for quite some time.

He then, with as much enthusiasm as I have ever seen in from a doctor, said the words that I will never forget. "We are cancelling for today."

Tears began streaming down my face. This time, not for fear or worry...not the hot, bitter tears that have stung my face so often in the last two months, but sweet tears of pure joy! They were cancelling!!!! Every part of my being wanted to jump up and down, and scream out, "Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!"

There was more information and discussion to be had and it needed my attention. I could have left at that moment. But we needed more instructions and a follow up scheduled with MRI. We still didn't have all the answers we need, but the only one that mattered to me was that game changer of, "This is a glioma, but not an aggressive tumor. It's been there awhile and doesn't appear to be malignant."

The sense of relief washed over us like a clean hot shower. I couldn't contain my emotion. I was clapped my hands, and gave a fist in the air to "Hell yes!" We don't have to face the worst possible outcome yet!"
It felt like victory.  I knew it, Scott knew and the good doctor knew it. In fact, it seemed that, Scott his other, me and the doctor were the only people in that room who though this was a good thing.

The look on the faces of the staff were priceless. One nurse could not hold back his utter disappointment. He looked like someone had just stolen his favorite pair of shoes. Scott piped up and told the young man, "He dude, this is a really good thing!" As they all began to leave, the doctor came to me and asked if I was alright. He opened his arms to hug me, this time I hugged him so tight and said, "Thank you so much!"

Hugged all three of us and said that his assistant would follow up to let know when the MRI would be scheduled for next week and we would go from there.

We were free to go. Scott was going home and not having to stay. He was freed from a sure death sentence and literally..in every single sense of the word given a second chance at life. Not the life he thought he had before. But a new life that is full of hope and possibilities. I was able to take him out of there and home to his precious family.

All that day, we celebrated the fact that we weren't at the hospital. We surprised the kids at home and gave them all the good news, all at once. Today, is a new day. Today, there is a new Scott.

He woke up singing, "Stayin Alive, Stayin Alive...ah ah ah ah STAYIN ALIVE!" It still makes me laugh. I am usually the one putting  lyrics of pop music to every life situation. I have them in my head and at any given moment can break out in song to put a theme on it. But today, it was him doing that. Ahhh... I have rubbed off on him! Finally :) He sees things differently than he did before. There is much more to come, but today we have found HOPE!

Today, hope was harvested. We felt, saw, heard and experienced it. Hope came in the form of a highly skilled neurosurgeon and all the people that have made sacrifices on our behalf both large and small. It came in the form of being able to go home to our children and deliver the news that Dad would be alright!

This is today. We are celebrating. We are hopeful. But we know this for a moment. We will have to continue to hunt for more hope again tomorrow. And it's okay. There is more to be found.

On our way home from Denver, we stopped at Cabela's. Conveniently, we had to stop and use a restroom and this one was right off the freeway. What better place to take a hunter than this??? We used the restroom and wandered the store and I came upon a sign.

And so it continues....

A Day of Reckoning

Friday March 28, 2014 was the day we scheduled surgery. Thursday, we went down to Denver for Scott to do some of the pre-op testing and prepare to have one last scan before the doctor would make his final decision on Friday morning. 2 of the longest months of my life, have been spent waiting for conclusions that haven't come.

I dropped Scott off at the hospital at 1pm that afternoon and left him. He didn't think they would let me be there with him, so I went and kept myself busy while he did what he needed to do. They said it would be a three hour test. He was done in an hour and half. "Only advanced students can do it in half the time," he joked. Was this a good sign? I had no idea. I just knew I wasn't ready for what was on the agenda for the following day and spent the rest of the afternoon bargaining with God, over and over to please spare Scott any further suffering. I would literally do anything, anything...if this could be taken from him and he not have to go through this and his life be spared.

One of my dearest friends flew into Denver on Thursday to be with me through the surgery. I didn't ask her to come, she insisted. What a huge sacrifice her husband and 6 children are making for her to be here with me. The physical out pouring of love from so many different people is overwhelming but not in a negative way. Overwhelming like when you're on your favorite scary ride at an amusement park. You know you're supposed to be scared, and but end up being thrilled. You even have so much fun you want to do it all again.

I don't want to imply, for one minute that I would want to do any of this again for fun. It's not fun. But that same sort of feeling is present with me, and I can't shake it nor do I wish to. I feel thrilled in knowing we have so many people to count on, who have "showed up" for us. Not because they knew exactly what to do or say and could fix any of this for us. But because they love us, care for us, and want to express that in a real way. Knowing my children are cared for by people who love them greatly is a huge weight off of us. The calls from family and friends who can't be here but want to, is so comforting.

I cannot express it all in just writing how much it all means to have people present in our lives to help us get through day to day. In moments when it would be so easy to just say, " I don't want to do this anymore" and give up, we don't because we have people who can outwardly express their love and concern for us. It makes a difference to those who are suffering to know that anyone, just one person even,  cares enough to reach out. There is a lesson in that for all of us. Don't ever be afraid to say it or do it. If you feel you should reach out in small ways or in a big way, DO IT! Don't wait, don't over think it. Just let people know you love them and you care. It doesn't matter if you get confirmation from them that your message was received. Act as if your kindness will get into the places it's needed, when it's needed and act as if it does change the world. Because it does!

I could go on and on.  But the point I need to make clearly is that having people, no matter if it's only one person, brings hope alive in a way that when we face our darkest hours, we are not usually in the position to do for ourselves. We aren't always able recognize the things we need to in order to see, hear, and feel the hope that surrounds us all the time. It takes others to help us do this and there is a divine reason for that.

It's been easier in some cases to push people away and not let them in. Not because we don't like them or want then in our lives. But because it's less work on our part, to be perfectly honest. I would not ask people to come. I just wouldn't. I do want them here. I just don't want to be a burden on them and have to wrestle with uncomfortable feelings of being the center of attention. I have learned through this experience that some people just need to be asked, and others don't. But people for the most part care and want to help. There are so many genuinely good people in the world, I should experience the kindness of others and let it be that people love me, and love my family. I need to be okay with letting others in. I cannot and should not want to be alone. To go it all alone, is too much of a burden on me.

I was able to spend some time with my friend, who is really more of a sister to me in my life than simply a friend. We have shared many deep and meaningful life experiences with one another. I have been blessed in my life to know several women whom I can say I have this kind of relationship with. I don't know if I seek it out because I grew up with all women, or if it just happens to me, or a bit of both. But I do know that there is a reason for these relationships specifically. This group of sisters has been the third biggest influence on my adult life.The first influence being God, and the second my husband,children and family.

If you don't have relationships to count on, it's important to build them. They don't just happen. There are those rare times when people (angels in people suits) just show up for us. But because of our own expectations, we don't always work to develop the relationships around us and don't see the angels in our own lives. I promise you, they are there no matter what your circumstance or situation is. But you must be willing to do some work to find or even develop what you need from them.

I was able to spend some precious time with Scott and one of my best friends exercising our faith and doing something very meaningful to us. We had a very spiritual experience that should have left us feeling more full of hope and love than before. But I was still feeling very unsure of what would happen on Friday. I couldn't  say anything for sure about how I was feeling except that I knew somehow, everything would be okay.

Whatever okay means. I went back and forth in my mind about what okay could mean in this situation. Would he be okay because he would beat this and be physically fine? Would he be okay because he was dead and went home to be with Jesus? Okay because this was the plan and we have no control so just let go? Okay...okay...O.K.

Tired and anxious, we finally fell into bed at 12:30am. We had just a few hours before we had to be up and checked in at the hospital. As we laid there, trying to close our eyes, the anticipation of morning was thick and the air seemed to be heavy with fear. I was silent. Scott was silent. Until the flood gate opened and we both expressed how angry we were to be in this situation and needed some sort of answer or reassurance of what this was all for. Reassurance hadn't come that night.

My strong, sweet, quiet husband, the one who literally fixes everything for everyone, was not able to put himself back together. He was paralyzed by the fear of leaving all of us behind and not being here to help raise his children or be with his best friend. I wanted desperately to help him but didn't know how. I told him all of this, and said that I now understood I had been so selfish in wanting him to talk to me.  I hadn't realized how that was making him feel, on top of the thought that he was now living his life on a time clock.

I didn't know that he was not able to help me emotionally because he couldn't help himself. I didn't know the anguish he was already suffering, because he was the one with the diagnosis, was only made worse by my thoughts and feelings of what would be my life without him. I had no idea that everything everyone was feeling because of this situation was all on him to bare and he felt trapped and alone in that place and couldn't do anything to help himself, let alone any of us.

I hated this. I hated feeling that I was being forced into sacrifice. I hated feeling I was going to lose the very best thing I had ever known in this life. Not because all of this would happen on Friday. But because whatever was to come on Friday, would be the start of something else. The life we had the people we were, are no more, even if everything somehow turns out alright. We have been forever changed by all of this. Our day of reckoning has finally come. How would we go? Like a lamb to the slaughter? With hope and fearless even with the possibility of death? We would soon find out.

Day 55

I was up at 5 this morning. Didn't get to sleep until after 1 am. The anticipation is the hardest part. I'm so scared and I know Scott is too but he refuses to talk about it at all. There was too much silence and uncertainty last night in my bed. 

But before trying to go to sleep we visited and laughed with my sweet aunt and mom who made another trip out here to be with us. I'm so grateful to have them here. I know I won't have to worry about the kids at all. They will be having too much fun with grandma and aunt grandma, as Scott refers to them. 

We are so grateful for all the people near and far who have been walking along side us through this journey so far. Thank you for all the encouragement, prayers, best wishes, offers of anything we need and your love. 

Today, I hope to get through with some nerve left. I woke not ready to deal with hospitals and doctors and all the medical paperwork. I am still laying in bed hoping somehow this pit in my stomach will go away. I know I have to face one of my greatest fears and I'm not quite sure how well I will be able to do it. 

We want nothing short of a miracle. I hope to be strong enough in all the ways Scott needs me to be. I hope to be unselfish and kind. I hope my children will be strong and helpful to each other. Most of all, I hope my love will somehow be enough and we will all make it through tomorrow and all be okay. Whatever that means. 

Day 54

It's Wednesday day 54. Tomorrow we head to Denver for all the last minute appointments before Friday. Friday is the day we will finally find out what all this means. If MRI shows reduction in mass size, there will be no surgery. If the mass has stayed the same or grown, surgery will happen at 10 am.

56 days is a long time to wax between everything and nothing. If it's smaller, or shrinking, then we are not facing certain death. If not....I can't even go there right now.

Today, we're holding onto to the hope that we don't have to face surgery on Friday. Holding onto the people, places and things that have been there to help us keep going on this journey. Even when every part of me being wanted to stop this crazy ride and get off.

Thank you to all the people who have gone above and beyond to help us in our darkest hours over the past 2 months. I cannot say it enough, we know how much we are loved and are so grateful for all of you reading this, praying with and for us, sending all kinds of good vibes into the universe on our behalf and just showing up.

I can say, if we get to come home on Friday, and do not have to face terminal brain cancer....
WE ARE HAVING ONE HELL OF A PARTY and you're all invited.

The Down Side of Hunting

According to my husband, the downside of hunting is...when it's over. Hunting for him is all about scouting out where the best animals are, finding the best camping spot, getting the guns and ammo ready, sharpening his skills and preparing everything. Elk hunting season starts the very last week of September, first of October. So preparation begins the day after the hunt is over for the next year. There is no resting, no waiting. It's a continual thing, even after the animals are harvested. CONTINUAL.

So is it really any surprise that after finding out my favorite hunter might have a terminal primary brain tumor, that hunting became even more of a priority? It sure as heck surprised the crap out of me. Hunting is NOT my idea of good time. I don't like anything about it really. I have learned to tolerate it, because my husband LOVES it. To save my marriage and my sanity, I have had to learn to actually appreciate some things about hunting and how it actually improves my life.

But the hunting Scott loves, and the hunting I must do now are not the same thing, I know. There are similarities that I find extremely fascinating, which is why I thought I would share my insights here, especially about scouting.

Scouting
This is all about preparing. You have to be extremely quiet and deliberate. It is something that, to most hunters, comes naturally. While scouting, you're watching, waiting, and anticipating where the animals are and how they move. You have to stay down wind so as not to spook them off. You also need the right equipment and gear  to do all of this, which amounts to good binoculars, a bag of trail and a full Camelpak. Oh...and  possibly a camera to document the monster bull or buck that has crossed your path out of season. And let's not forget GPS to mark your exact coordinates, so you can easily return to that same spot again.

Right now, all that seems very hard. Not something I would look forward to. It's a lot of WORK. I know work can be fun, enjoyable and extremely rewarding. It can also be daunting, exhausting and unfulfilled. Especially if you don't get out of it what you think you're putting in.

Over the last month and a half, while on this scouting mission for answers and clues about what we are up against and how we are going to face it, I have had encounters with the kind of hope we've been searching for. Not the trophy bull to put up for all to see, but the signs are clear and present that the big one is here.

We didn't think we prepared for this, at all. But we have. Our faith, our families, our individual and collective life experiences have all gone a long way to prepare us for what we are doing here. Being prepared isn't always about having a grand apocalyptic plan that's been rehearsed over and over and cemented into memory for when the fateful day finally arrives. Being prepared is more about the trillions of baby steps we take along our journeys and feeling the range of emotions that comes with each one of those events, so that when we come to that place again, we recognize it and know better what to do with it this time. 

While hunting for hope, during  scouting missions, you MUST...and I repeat MUST, be extremely quiet and deliberate in your search. Hope will allude you. It will vanish in thin air and seem to be gone forever. Just the way animals in the woods jump up and run off when spooked.

It's often in quiet moments when I can hear, see and feel more clearly. It's in those very quiet moments, usually when I'm by myself,  I can get a sense something else is there. We need to learn to recognize signs that it exists and is here for us whenever we need it.

When a hunter is out in the woods, he notices the rub on a tree, the trails made, the soft grass laying down in a shaded area, the scat and what's in it...all these things and more tell the hunter what he is looking for has been here recently. Yep. Especially scat. We may have to sift through some pretty tough crap to find what we're looking for. This is a reality we cannot escape.

Sometimes it's a matter of waiting, just out of sight and down wind of course, for the animal to come back. It's the same with hope. You simply cannot reasonably expect to be wandering around and just wish for it to come to you. Can this happen? Sure. There are plenty of luck stories out there. But successful hunters don't depend on luck. You must become familiar with it. You must search for it, study where it lives, how it develops, and understand where to find it when it's needed.

The most successful hunter's know everything there is to know about the animals they seek. They know what they eat, where they sleep, and how they breed. Hunters know how animals use their senses and they in turn use all of theirs to try and capture them. Hunters know what an animal sounds like, what they smell like, what they feel and taste like. Hunters learn to recognize the kind of imprint an animal leaves behind.

How this Applies to Hope

I have had to ask myself if I know what hope feels like. Do I have an understanding of where to find it? What will I do with it if I find it? Do I recognize what kind of imprint Hope leaves behind? Am I prepared to do what is necessary to search and wait for it to come? And will I know it when I see the signs that hope is there, just around the corner?

I've done a lot of soul searching. I know hope. I have felt it before, seen it in my actions and the actions and thoughts of others. I have actually tasted it, heard what it sounds like and know what it feels like when I have it. I know that what hope leaves behind is a promise of something else to come.

I don't yet know if I am prepared to do what I have to do to continually find hope. It is something that's always there, but just like animals....it is found in different places. One thing about hope I do know for sure, is that it can always, and I mean always, be found. You just have to get to know it first. Be open to the idea that it does exist. Be willing to do your part to recognize it. Take whatever bit of evidence of it you can find right now and hold on to that until you can find more. Be willing to give into the idea that you do not control it. You do have to want it. You have to need it, in order for it to meet your expectations and sustain you through whatever life brings.

Hope is a verb. It's an action word. It is something you have to DO...or something that is done for you. Hope is also a noun. It's also a thing that Merriam-Webster's defines as:

•  the feeling of wanting something to happen and thinking that it could happen 
• a feeling that something good will happen or be true

• the chance that something good will happen

•  someone or something that may be able to provide help 

• someone or something that gives you a reason for hoping

Trust and reliance are to words synonymous with Hope. Trust you will find what you're searching for and rely on it for strength once you've found it. 

I now have some clues, as to where I can find hope anytime I it's needed. This doesn't only work when facing the possibility of a terminal brain tumor. Hope can be found by anyone, anywhere. You just have to be willing to put aside your disdain for hunting, and the things related to how much time and effort it takes, put on your gear, and look around.

Hope can be an action. It can be a feeling , a chance or a wish. It could also be something, or someone in your life able to provide help for the thing you cannot do for yourself right now.

In all it's forms, Hope is there for all of us. We just have to be willing to deliberately, quietly and purposefully seek it out and let it in. And once we have, we need to then be like my favorite hunter, who excitingly begins making preparations for the next hunting trip. Remember, it's continual. CONTINUAL. And you LOVE it. Can't live without it...

I don't know if everything is going to be the way I want it to be. None of us knows that, ever. But right now, I can hope. I'm trusting there is hope in all the things we are doing now and relying on it for strength to get me through to Friday. It's coming fast. 

Thoughts on Cancer

While researching glioblastomas and the reading the American Brain Tumor Association book about Brain Tumors I stumbled upon a few things that helped me understand more about what this is. Then I began looking all over the internet for things that didn't scare me so much.

I found Little Things a resource for understanding cancer.
I also found Jeff Tomczek and  The Things I Wish I Were Told When I Was Diagnosed With Cancer
And then I found some hope at Gliobalstoma Brain Tumor Survivor

What Cheryl said woke me up.  She wrote, "The bottom line - don’t give up hope. You are not a number in the statistics! Don’t listen to the doctors if they tell you to go home and die. Plan to live and enjoy each second you have. Lean on God for strength and peace, He will always be there for you."

What came next was a stream of information about cancer cures, what to do and what not to do. But the very best came from one of my dearest friends who recently lost her mother to cancer. I knew she had been researching for a long time. She and her family are very health conscious. I asked for her permission to post the letter she wrote in response to me request. My hope is that anyone searching, will find this helpful.

The letter below was written by Brooks Perkins titled My Thoughts on Cancer

 Hi 

I have been working on this for a long time. I know it is a lot to read, hopefully it is not too overwhelming and you are able to, pick through what interests you. Let me know if I can help in any way or answer any questions you might have. Please know I put this together to help out of love and concern.  I love you! After loosing my mom to cancer and now also learning that some of my very close friends and family are battling cancer here is some information I would like to share with you. 

Disclaimer Statement:

I am NOT a doctor. I am a concerned, educated individual with a desire to inform and promote healthy life! In the lists below are suggestions to do in addition to what is suggested by your doctor. My intention is to empower you. You know your body better than anyone else! Do some or all of these things. It's up to you. You should know all of your choices about health before making any major decisions and know that there is power in being informed and educated. Don't be afraid to ask questions and know there needs to be a balance between health conscience "home remedies" alternative medicine and conventional medicines. 

Here are my cancer dos and don'ts

DOs

Turkey Tail Mushroom

Clean water - Clean air - Clean eating

Fresh Juice - organic, fruit and vegetable juice, drink straight from juicer

Vitamin D3 - tons of it

Turmeric

Vegetables

Pro Biotics

Wheat Grass

Flaxseed Oil 

Low Stress and Exercise

ALSO...Read and research what these things really mean:

Organic

GMO

The things that I would DO (To prevent cancer or help fight cancer if you have it)

Turkey Tail Mushroom - do if you have cancer to help fight!

If I was going to tell you one thing it would be this! If you're not going to do anything else...not make any changes to your current lifestyle DO THIS in addition to what you are already doing.

YouTube video link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XEV50NEk77s

They are already giving cancer patients Turkey Tail Mushroom as a mainstream cancer treatment protocol in Japan.

Take triple the dose everyday that is directed on the bottle. It helps boost your immune system to fight the cancer cells.

http://www.amazon.com/Host-Defense-Fungi-Perfecti-capsules/dp/B0053DR1EM/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1384362827&sr=8-1&keywords=turkey+tail+mushrooms

You can also buy it at health food stores...like whole foods or sprouts. 

To prevent cancer 

Clean Water

RO SYSTEM

Drink a lot of water... good, pure, clean water. 

I would get an RO system for your drinking water. The Reverse Osmosis water filter is the best. The filter on your refrigerator or an attached filter to your faucet are not good enough. Use this RO water for your ice too.

http://www.amazon.com/iSpring-5-Stage-Reverse-Osmosis-Filter/dp/B003XELTTG/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1384363155&sr=8-1&keywords=RO

Clean Air

I think this one is obvious, but maybe not. Stay away from toxins! No Cigarette smoke.  Use air-filters if you think you are breathing in contaminated air on a regular basis.

Clean Eating

You are what you eat! If you eat great then your body feels .... If you eat like crap then your body feels like .... It's an equation. Doesn't mean everything needs to be organic, but there are some things that SHOULD be. (The dirty dozen: What you should eat organic link below) Also read labels, do you know and understand the ingredients and what they are for? What they will do to your body? 

http://www.eatingwell.com/food_news_origins/organic_natural/dirty_dozen_plus_14_foods_you_should_buy_organic

Freshly juiced Juice

BREVILLE JUICER

I would juice every single day organic carrots, celery, apples, kale and collard greens at least and know that you can juice so much more. Juicing provides a quick way for you to consume a large amount of vitamins and nutrients from fruits and vegetables and also a way to consume some fruits and vegetables you might not otherwise eat. Juicing should NOT be done in place of food only in addition to eating meals AND fruits and vegetables.

http://www.amazon.com/Breville-RM-BJE510XL-Certified-Remanufactured-Variable-Speed/dp/B008UQS4AE/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&qid=1384362905&sr=8-6&keywords=breville+juicer

Vitamin D

It's a good idea to have your vitamin D levels checked. You might think, "I live in a sunny place, my vitamin D is fine." NOT so.  Optimal levels are from 30-100 with average running at about 60 but most people I've talked to after having vitamin D levels checked are at >40. If you are low in vitamin D >40 you should be taking at least 100k IUs a week and  I'm not joking! Once your levels are low it is very hard to get them back up to optimal levels. There are many many stories about Vitamin D and its health benefits. I encourage you to read about them.

http://www.thebetterhealthstore.com/Vitamin-D-Cancer-Fighting-as-seen-on-dr-oz.asp

Eat Veggies and Tumeric

It is now recommended to eat broccoli, cauliflower, brussel sprouts and Turmeric to help your body fight the cancer. It can help!

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/215179.php

http://www.cancer.org/treatment/treatmentsandsideeffects/complementaryandalternativemedicine/herbsvitaminsandminerals/turmeric

PROBIOTICS

 - Everything starts in the GUT! Just read the article PLEASE

http://www.infowars.com/probiotics-save-cancer-patients-from-deadly-chemo-damaging-antibiotics/

WHEATGRASS

Some helpful articles are found when you google, "wheatgrass and fighting cancer"

http://www.cancertutor.com/wheatgrass/

http://www.cancer.org/treatment/treatmentsandsideeffects/complementaryandalternativemedicine/dietandnutrition/wheatgrass

FLAXSEED OIL 

Flaxseed Oil is an amazing source of Omega 3 oils and helps decrease inflammation in the body.

LOWER YOUR STRESS AND EXERCISE

Please RELAX! Get a massage, go for a walk and smell the roses. Also DO low impact exercise such as Thi Chi, Yoga and/or walking.  

I have one word for you EXERCISE! Do something... walk, jog, swim, bike, skip, jump rope, yoga, weight lift, something, do it, JUST DO IT! It helps every aspect of your life!

These are my DO NOTs

DO NOT (To prevent cancer and help fight cancer if you have it)

Sugar

Fake Sugars (Aspartame, Saccharin, Suclarose, and others found in diet soda)

MSG 

Red meat

Pork

Questionable Fish 

Antipersperants

Alcohol

Cigarettes          

This is the part where people raise their eyebrows, roll their eyes and shake their heads and tell me I don't know what I'm talking about. Again, this is what I have chosen to change in my life.  It's here in these notes with purpose, to give you information and hopefully inspire you to further educate yourself. Also it's not that you can't ever do these things ever again, or you can't ever ingest them again, instead ingest them less frequently, if you ARE in fact now currently doing them. (Here's my 2 cents...if you are smoking, please, please, please stop! It can only lead to harming your body.)

SUGAR

http://www.greenmedinfo.com/blog/cancer-sugar-strategy-selective-starvation-cancer

Large quantities of sugar leads to diabetes and diabetes increases your risk of cancer. There are long time studies that prove that diabetes and obesity increase the risk of cancer. Some even suggest that sugar feeds cancer cells. 

FAKE SUGARS OR SUGAR SUBSTITUTES (Aspartame, Saccharin, Suclarose, and others found in diet soda)

There are many studies done on sugar substitutes. Some are very harmful to you with use over time. Here are my suggestions for sugar substitutes: Stevia, Xylitol,  and Coconut Palm Sugar. All of these work to benefit the body instead of contaminating the body. If all else fails use real sugar, just keep it to a minimum. 

MSG AND GENETICALLY MODIFIED

You will do your body a huge favor to avoid any artificial flavoring or genetically modified products.

RED MEAT AND PORK

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/13/health/research/red-meat-linked-to-cancer-and-heart-disease.html?_r=0

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2573088/Eating-lots-meat-cheese-middle-age-deadly-SMOKING.html

There are so many facts about meat consumption it's too overwhelming to type! Large animals like cows and pigs live a long time when you compare their lifespan to a fish or bird. Everything a cow or pig eats or is given through injections is then stored in their body (muscles, fat, bones, milk) and then add this up throughout their whole life. Then they are butchered, sent to market and we eat them. When we eat them we are eating everything they ate along with all medicines and hormones administered to them and pesticides they have ingested from their food not to mention everything else put on the meat after it is butchered to keep it from going bad before it reaches out lips... preservatives (to preserve the meat for longer than normal) antibacterial sprays (to ward off bad bacteria...e.g. e coli or salmonella) bleach, radiation... ok now I'm just sounding crazy, right? If you're gonna eat meat, eat poultry and then choose organic, grass fed, non-GMO. Watch out for words like "Natural" or "Healthy" on packaging only there to mislead you. 

QUOTE: "When cancer researchers started to search for links between diet and cancer, one of the most noticeable findings was that people who avoided meat were much less likely to develop the disease." FROM THIS ARTICLE

http://www.pcrm.org/health/cancer-resources/diet-cancer/facts/meat-consumption-and-cancer-risk

QUESTIONABLE FISH

This is so unfortunate! Fish is awesome! It is full of amazing health benefits, but...fish is a product of a very contaminated ocean...radiation, (Japan) oil spills and constant pollution. If you're going to eat fish be sure to confirm the source of the fish.  Also be aware of mercury contamination in fish, more specifically tuna. 

I'm going to let you look these 3 next things up and draw your own conclusion. 

ANTIPERSPIRANTS and cancer 

ALCOHOL and cancer (and chemotherapy)

CIGARETTES  and cancer

GOOD READS

http://www.amazon.com/Knockout-Interviews-Doctors-Cancer--And-Prevent/dp/0307587592/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1384362991&sr=8-1&keywords=susan+summers+cancer

http://www.amazon.com/Natural-Strategies-For-Cancer-Patients/dp/0758202210/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1384363091&sr=8-1&keywords=dr.+blaylock+cancer

A Vacation to Remember

We always put off vacation. There always seems to be something more pressing, more needed and more practical than taking off and spending money on ourselves. I have always been envious of families who make the vacation a priority and wished that could be us. We have done many camping trips, road trips to see family, and done a few things here and there over the years that we can proudly say made some great memories for us and our children. But I always wish there could be more.

After a few weeks of living with the idea that our time might be cut short, I decided that it was time to make family vacation a priority. Was it practical, not really. Was it convenient. Nope. Was is inexpensive? Not exactly. It was however going to be priceless.

I began thinking about this when one of my best friends suggested that we do this "while we still can." Right? Because things might be drastically different in a few weeks from now. What if this is our last chance to be the us we are right now? I knew we had to do something, and we could not wait for spring break. The kids would miss school, I would miss work. None of that mattered more than being together.

I asked Scott what he thought of it and he gave me all excuses we have used before about not doing it. I simply said, "What if this is our only opportunity to do this while you're still you?" Probably not the most politically correct was to express this to him, but I was desperate for him to say yes. it took him several days but finally he relented to my wishes and I found him surfing the Internet for beach houses.

We made a plan to not have a plan. He wanted to take a road trip and see places he had never seen before and just stay where ever we felt like at the time. My nature is to plan and schedule and have reservations. So this was a bit hard for me at first. I did want to make it a time to remember, and not because I would so cranky about not having a schedule. I sucked it up and went with it.

It was a 19 hour car ride to Galveston, Texas. 19 hours in a vehicle with 2 teenagers, an 8 year old and our dog. We got about 350 miles the first day and I had to stop. We checked into a hotel and got two adjoining rooms. While I tried to relax, the older kids were bickering and arguing over every little thing. After about a half hour, I decided everyone need a break and the girls and I went to the pool. It was a bit a rest for me fun for them and we had the whole place to ourselves.

After getting pizza, we came back to the room and fighting began all over again. I was at a loss as to how this family vacation was going to be memorable, enjoyable and anything equivalent to what I had envisioned for our "last chance." After a couple of hours, I just lost it. I yelled at everyone, told them all to just stop talking and go to bed, NOW! I screamed that we would just be going home tomorrow and that I didn't want to hear anymore from anyone tonight.

I shut off the lights an went to bed. Once again, hot bitter tears stung my face and soaked my pillow. Scott never said a word. He did not react to the kids or to me. He came and spooned me for about 20 minutes and finally retreated to the other bed in our room. I cried myself to sleep, alone in a hotel bed surrounded by my family who were supposed to be having the time of their lives.

Morning came.  I got up, got dressed silently and went to get the dog to take her outside. When I went to the kids room, they were all awake, staring at me. The youngest one, bravely asked if we were really going home this morning. I was still very upset. I knew I had a choice, but I was not the only one who had choices to make.

I confidently told my children that it would be up to them if we would go home or not. Then something came over me. I wanted to stop myself but knew that I had to live in the moment and be real. So reality came out of me full force.

I explained to my children that they had a choice to continue to be selfish or not. This trip was not all about them getting everything they individually wanted. This trip might just be the last time they get to be with their Dad in this way. It just might be the last family vacation we get to go on all together. It might just be the only opportunity the have to make these memories with the Dad they have known their whole lives. I didn't want them to waste this chance and throw it away like it doesn't matter, because it does!

I also told them that I needed this vacation. I needed this time with all of them to hold on to for later when times might be very tough. I will need something to look back on and know that we had some very good times that are worth cherishing. I asked them if they could not stop being so selfish for a short time and put other people before themselves and just be kind to each other. If not for me, then for their Dad.

Then I took the dog on a very long walk, alone.

About 45 minutes passed. I was coming up the walkway and met my almost 14 year old daughter on the path outside the hotel. With tears in her eyes she came to me and said, "Mom, I am so sorry." She melted into my arms and began to sob. I knew that she was sorry. I knew what I said had shaken her. We had a very in depth conversation and the take away was that we both understood each other. She understood that she had a choice in how she was going to perceive this experience. She could make the best of it, or the worst..it was up to her. She could ignore the irritations of her siblings. She could be kind instead of bitter. She could show compassion for others. I had faith in her that she has the ability to do these things and I told her as much.

We went back to the room. I explained to Scott what had happened and what I told the kids. He doesn't really react to anything. So he was fine with whatever, and I was completely annoyed at that. It really made no difference to him if we were going to Texas or home? Why was I making myself crazy for something he didn't seem to care one way or another about?

I had to ask myself was this for him, or was this for me. Again, I came back to my own selfishness. It was for me. But it was also for all of them, whether anyone else had the foresight to understand what I was trying to do or not. I needed them all to have something good to hold onto through the difficulties ahead. This was going to be for their own good and it seemed only I knew that, or cared about it. I had to swallow my bitterness and resentment and set that aside, but not until after I gave Scott a piece of my mind.

We packed up and headed out. I could feel the dread trailing behind. I was able to set it down and leave it for awhile and that felt so good. It was good to go away. It was honest and needed. It was practical. Vacation will never mean the same to me again. I have vowed to make it a priority, rather than a luxury that isn't needed. My family bonded in a way that they never have before.

Several times on this trip Scott uttered, "How can you put a price on this?" The truth is you can't. Memories for a lifetime were created. I will never forget the feeling of happiness that washed over me as I walked hand in hand on the beach with my little girl to collect sea shells, or watched my husband play in the surf with his children. I will always have those moments to recall and can literally close my eyes and be back there, no matter where this life decides to take me now.

It's not about the place, the money or the trip itself. It's really about taking time out, turning off the outside world and turning inward. We allowed ourselves to be with each other, just was we are. Laughing, eating, playing, and simply sharing the experience with other human beings that are in this with us.

Truly getting away and being allowed to forget for a time that life is changing and not what we anticipated, was a very welcomed and much needed experience. We are all hunting for hope, whether we want to or not. Hope is the only thing that will bring us through to the other side of whatever this is. Vacation forced us all to finally realize that.

Does That Make Me a Bad Mother?

Reflecting on why I didn’t want to tell my children what we had learned at the doctor’s office that day, I came realize how deeply personally I was taking this whole situation and how utterly selfish that really was. I didn’t want to tell them, because I wanted to make it easier for myself. I didn’t want to have to deal with their feelings on top of my own. I also knew that those feelings were selfish and began to tell myself I must be a bad mother.

But then I had to ask myself, does this situation define me as a mother or him as a father? My thought was at the time was, here I am the mighty mother, healer of all wounds... and I cannot not protect them or make this hurting stop! Doesn’t that, by definition, make me a failure? Would my ability to be good mother be taken from me by something I can do nothing about? Seems ridiculous when I write it out, but that's the truth. It wasn't about the fact that my husband might die, it was somehow about my fear that I really am a bad mother and if I tell my children this will confirm that I really have failed them.

Are you kidding me??? Nope. I'm not.

I had no way to process this. I was in utter chaos and confusion. I didn’t know which way was up. Then the words came flooding back, that I wasn’t going to do anyone any favors by trying to create an illusion. Shattered in every way possible, I had to figure out how to move forward. How could I possibly find the strength and courage to do all that needs to be done for myself, let alone everyone else? Then the negative thoughts confirmed to me that I must really be a failure because I didn’t know how to do this.

This isn’t about something I did or failed to do. This situation isn’t something Scott caused to happen either. We did not cause this happen. His brain tumor, according to the doctor, is completely spontaneous. There is no known cause, no known cure, nothing about it is related to anything he did or didn’t do. We have no control over the fact that this is now our reality. It’s not about my ability to be a good mother, or his ability to be a good father.

My selfish thoughts were completely put aside when we decided to meet this head on and tell the kids about the nature of the tumor, and that we were facing the possibility Scott could die. It was hard and we literally said, “This totally sucks. But we are in this suck together and we will do everything we possibly can to help you.”

Once everyone knew, once we had the time to process and openly grieve a bit, things calmed down and we were able to settle in to our new reality. Does it make it any less hard or painful? Absolutely not. But I have discovered that you begin to get a sense of emotions coming and going in waves and it starts to feel normal. I have to keep telling myself, this is just how it is now but it won’t always be this way. There will be new things, good and bad, that we will have to experience. I am choosing to find the bright spot in whatever moment I am in. This is how hope shows itself, however briefly. I know it’s there and it makes all the difference.

I need to know that I am not a bad mother, wife, and woman. This is not happening to us because of something we did or neglected to do. We are not somehow being punished. Life is complicated, messy, and spontaneous. There are a vast amount of things beyond our mortal control. Learning live with this understanding and still feel secure is a very delicate balancing act that I am nowhere near mastering. But I will continue to look for understanding where I can find it. I will let go of the things that are out of my control and live in the moment. For myself, for Scott and for our children I have to do this, no matter how much easier it might seem to give into the negativity.

In this moment, Scott is here, not currently experiencing any symptoms and I got to wake up next to him this morning and go to sleep with him last night. I get to laugh with him, and see the twinkle in his eye when he starts to think of something mischievous. I get to hear him say about a dozen times a day, “I love you.” I am able to say in return, I love you too and know that he knows exactly how I feel. I am able to be in all these moments with him. What a true gift that is. Right now, today, I get to have a sense that all is well. And for today, that is more than enough to get me through to the next challenge.

In the last 40 days I have come to understand some very significant things. We cannot evaluate the quality of someone's life by how long they are here. The measure of someone's life is simply that they lived, whether for a moment or a century makes no difference. The impact of one soul on another cannot be quantified by time, but rather by feeling. The extent of my feelings for this man and the family we have created is beyond my capacity to measure.

I have never known love like his before. This love has made me whole and nothing, not even death, can change or take that away. In that knowledge is where I finally found some tangible hope to hang onto and bring with me into this new life. I know that nothing about this makes me a bad mother. It just might be helping me be a better one.

The Hardest Thing We've Ever Done So Far

We first decided to not tell our children until we knew exactly what we were dealing with for sure. How could we tell them this? How would we do it? Could we even get the words out? What if we couldn't handle the hurt of having to tell our children that one of their parents might not get to see them grow up and make it worse? Theses thoughts  pierced my soul and left a deep, throbbing, relentless sadness that felt like a gaping pit in my stomach for which there was no fix.

Several of our friends inquired how the appointment went and wanted to know what the surgeon had to say. When I was able to muster the courage to actually talk to anyone besides Scott, I wasn't very happy with the response I was greeted with. "When are you telling the kids?"

"We aren't telling them yet."  Why not? I wanted to scream, WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHY NOT??? Because I am a coward and I don't know how to tell them that their Dad just got the most devastating news of his life and we can't deal with it. How are they supposed to?

I was bitterly angry. I could have justified my feelings if it had only been one person reacting this way. But 2 people, of whom I have the utmost respect and love for, both said the same thing to me. They both said very lovingly and kindly, although it felt like utter betrayal at the time,  "You have to tell them now. They will resent not knowing."

Then came the words I will never forget. "Tammy, we all try to live in a world of illusions that we create for ourselves." We try and do what we can to convince ourselves we have control over things that we actually don't. Our kids already had the sense something is wrong. They will need this time to grieve.  My friend told me that my children would surprise me and rise up to help me, when no one else can. They are much stronger than any of us give them credit for. We had a choice, we could  look at this as a time to bond, to heal, to cry together and be there for one another in the realness of what life is throwing our way, or we could continue to pretend that it's something different than what it is. 

I knew what my dear friend was telling me was right. I knew we had to stop pretending we could somehow shield our family from this anguish. I discovered in that moment something I had never before acknowledged.  I am very good at living in my illusions. I justify whatever I need to, in order to get through the day and still be able to live with myself. I was okay with pretending that we were not going through the most difficult time of our lives. But I couldn't live with the thought of my children resenting me for not letting them know the truth.

The reality for me and real reason I didn't want to tell my children the news was that I just didn't want to deal with how it would make me feel as a mother. And I suspect the same is true for Scott as the father and protector of his family. The knowledge that our children would have to endure such a harsh reality that neither of us could protect them from, was worse than the thought of him actually dying. Scott told me the day we heard the news, that he is not sad or scared for himself. With tears streaming down his face he cried, "I'm scared for you all. I am so sad for all that you and the kids will go through without me there to help you."

I knew in my heart of hearts that we had to find a way to make peace with this huge unknown, and tell our kids in a way that would show them courage, and strength, but also vulnerability. We had to let them know we didn't have any answers, we couldn't make this okay, and that they are entitled to feel however they feel without having to make any excuses or justifications.

We couldn't come to all of this in a day. We had to take some time to allow ourselves to feel what we felt. We had to give each other permission to say all the things we thought we needed to say, like "this isn't fair" "I'm not ready to say good-bye" "I don't want to do any of this without you" and "I will always love you." We also had to give each other permission to grieve this loss openly. Because the truth is, whether we have 2 months or 40 more years together, our lives will never, ever be the same.

We are grieving the loss of the life we thought we were going to have. Whether this will be a learning and growing experience will not be determined by the outcome of this situation, but instead by how we each chose to deal with what is to come.

I hope when our children look back on that day, they will understand how difficult it was for us to do. I hope they will find some appreciation for the way we chose to tell them. I cherish the advice of my loving friends who encouraged us to live in the moment no matter how painful, and not to pretend that this isn't what it is. Because what happened when we gave in to the idea that we needed to be real, was Scott and I experienced a huge sense of relief. That was very unexpected. I didn't think I was going to feel comforted by my children, I didn't know that I would get a sense that no matter what actually happens, we will be there for and with each other. The hardest thing we have ever had to do so far, brought us a huge sense of hope.

Scott is the bravest man I have ever known. He is facing this head on, with the same fierce determination that made me fall in love with him in the first place. He says he isn't ready for his life to be over. He isn't giving up or giving in. He is not dying. He is living. He is also allowing the rest of us to walk with him, and be real. He doesn't tell me to stop crying when I am sad and overwhelmed with the thoughts that are constantly with me. He just holds me and says that he knows, and he's so sorry. He does that with the kids too. His quiet determination, and his undying love for all of us, is what keeps me going from day to day.

We asked the question whether it is better to know that death is a real possibility and have time to say and do what you need to say and do before it happens, or if it's better to just have to deal with it after the fact. We have concluded that it is both a blessing and curse to be told your time is limited. On one hand you now have an opportunity to make the best of it and not leave anything undone. On the other hand, you know it's coming and live with dread in some form or fashion that was not present in your mind before.

There is now a very keen awareness for me,  that death is just part of life. A very real, very natural part of this existence for everyone of us is that we will all pass away. You would think I would have come to understand this by now. I have lost loved ones. I have felt the sting of this before. But somehow, this seems different. To think about life without my love, to wonder how my children will ever truly understand his love for them and not having him there to experience their lives with them is just something I don't want to have to do. This is what leaves me hunting for hope. Hope that our children will appreciate the father they have. Hope that somehow, someway we will be okay no matter what happens. We have been placed on a journey that none of us expected. But yet, here we are.