A Day of Reckoning

Friday March 28, 2014 was the day we scheduled surgery. Thursday, we went down to Denver for Scott to do some of the pre-op testing and prepare to have one last scan before the doctor would make his final decision on Friday morning. 2 of the longest months of my life, have been spent waiting for conclusions that haven't come.

I dropped Scott off at the hospital at 1pm that afternoon and left him. He didn't think they would let me be there with him, so I went and kept myself busy while he did what he needed to do. They said it would be a three hour test. He was done in an hour and half. "Only advanced students can do it in half the time," he joked. Was this a good sign? I had no idea. I just knew I wasn't ready for what was on the agenda for the following day and spent the rest of the afternoon bargaining with God, over and over to please spare Scott any further suffering. I would literally do anything, anything...if this could be taken from him and he not have to go through this and his life be spared.

One of my dearest friends flew into Denver on Thursday to be with me through the surgery. I didn't ask her to come, she insisted. What a huge sacrifice her husband and 6 children are making for her to be here with me. The physical out pouring of love from so many different people is overwhelming but not in a negative way. Overwhelming like when you're on your favorite scary ride at an amusement park. You know you're supposed to be scared, and but end up being thrilled. You even have so much fun you want to do it all again.

I don't want to imply, for one minute that I would want to do any of this again for fun. It's not fun. But that same sort of feeling is present with me, and I can't shake it nor do I wish to. I feel thrilled in knowing we have so many people to count on, who have "showed up" for us. Not because they knew exactly what to do or say and could fix any of this for us. But because they love us, care for us, and want to express that in a real way. Knowing my children are cared for by people who love them greatly is a huge weight off of us. The calls from family and friends who can't be here but want to, is so comforting.

I cannot express it all in just writing how much it all means to have people present in our lives to help us get through day to day. In moments when it would be so easy to just say, " I don't want to do this anymore" and give up, we don't because we have people who can outwardly express their love and concern for us. It makes a difference to those who are suffering to know that anyone, just one person even,  cares enough to reach out. There is a lesson in that for all of us. Don't ever be afraid to say it or do it. If you feel you should reach out in small ways or in a big way, DO IT! Don't wait, don't over think it. Just let people know you love them and you care. It doesn't matter if you get confirmation from them that your message was received. Act as if your kindness will get into the places it's needed, when it's needed and act as if it does change the world. Because it does!

I could go on and on.  But the point I need to make clearly is that having people, no matter if it's only one person, brings hope alive in a way that when we face our darkest hours, we are not usually in the position to do for ourselves. We aren't always able recognize the things we need to in order to see, hear, and feel the hope that surrounds us all the time. It takes others to help us do this and there is a divine reason for that.

It's been easier in some cases to push people away and not let them in. Not because we don't like them or want then in our lives. But because it's less work on our part, to be perfectly honest. I would not ask people to come. I just wouldn't. I do want them here. I just don't want to be a burden on them and have to wrestle with uncomfortable feelings of being the center of attention. I have learned through this experience that some people just need to be asked, and others don't. But people for the most part care and want to help. There are so many genuinely good people in the world, I should experience the kindness of others and let it be that people love me, and love my family. I need to be okay with letting others in. I cannot and should not want to be alone. To go it all alone, is too much of a burden on me.

I was able to spend some time with my friend, who is really more of a sister to me in my life than simply a friend. We have shared many deep and meaningful life experiences with one another. I have been blessed in my life to know several women whom I can say I have this kind of relationship with. I don't know if I seek it out because I grew up with all women, or if it just happens to me, or a bit of both. But I do know that there is a reason for these relationships specifically. This group of sisters has been the third biggest influence on my adult life.The first influence being God, and the second my husband,children and family.

If you don't have relationships to count on, it's important to build them. They don't just happen. There are those rare times when people (angels in people suits) just show up for us. But because of our own expectations, we don't always work to develop the relationships around us and don't see the angels in our own lives. I promise you, they are there no matter what your circumstance or situation is. But you must be willing to do some work to find or even develop what you need from them.

I was able to spend some precious time with Scott and one of my best friends exercising our faith and doing something very meaningful to us. We had a very spiritual experience that should have left us feeling more full of hope and love than before. But I was still feeling very unsure of what would happen on Friday. I couldn't  say anything for sure about how I was feeling except that I knew somehow, everything would be okay.

Whatever okay means. I went back and forth in my mind about what okay could mean in this situation. Would he be okay because he would beat this and be physically fine? Would he be okay because he was dead and went home to be with Jesus? Okay because this was the plan and we have no control so just let go? Okay...okay...O.K.

Tired and anxious, we finally fell into bed at 12:30am. We had just a few hours before we had to be up and checked in at the hospital. As we laid there, trying to close our eyes, the anticipation of morning was thick and the air seemed to be heavy with fear. I was silent. Scott was silent. Until the flood gate opened and we both expressed how angry we were to be in this situation and needed some sort of answer or reassurance of what this was all for. Reassurance hadn't come that night.

My strong, sweet, quiet husband, the one who literally fixes everything for everyone, was not able to put himself back together. He was paralyzed by the fear of leaving all of us behind and not being here to help raise his children or be with his best friend. I wanted desperately to help him but didn't know how. I told him all of this, and said that I now understood I had been so selfish in wanting him to talk to me.  I hadn't realized how that was making him feel, on top of the thought that he was now living his life on a time clock.

I didn't know that he was not able to help me emotionally because he couldn't help himself. I didn't know the anguish he was already suffering, because he was the one with the diagnosis, was only made worse by my thoughts and feelings of what would be my life without him. I had no idea that everything everyone was feeling because of this situation was all on him to bare and he felt trapped and alone in that place and couldn't do anything to help himself, let alone any of us.

I hated this. I hated feeling that I was being forced into sacrifice. I hated feeling I was going to lose the very best thing I had ever known in this life. Not because all of this would happen on Friday. But because whatever was to come on Friday, would be the start of something else. The life we had the people we were, are no more, even if everything somehow turns out alright. We have been forever changed by all of this. Our day of reckoning has finally come. How would we go? Like a lamb to the slaughter? With hope and fearless even with the possibility of death? We would soon find out.