A Vacation to Remember

We always put off vacation. There always seems to be something more pressing, more needed and more practical than taking off and spending money on ourselves. I have always been envious of families who make the vacation a priority and wished that could be us. We have done many camping trips, road trips to see family, and done a few things here and there over the years that we can proudly say made some great memories for us and our children. But I always wish there could be more.

After a few weeks of living with the idea that our time might be cut short, I decided that it was time to make family vacation a priority. Was it practical, not really. Was it convenient. Nope. Was is inexpensive? Not exactly. It was however going to be priceless.

I began thinking about this when one of my best friends suggested that we do this "while we still can." Right? Because things might be drastically different in a few weeks from now. What if this is our last chance to be the us we are right now? I knew we had to do something, and we could not wait for spring break. The kids would miss school, I would miss work. None of that mattered more than being together.

I asked Scott what he thought of it and he gave me all excuses we have used before about not doing it. I simply said, "What if this is our only opportunity to do this while you're still you?" Probably not the most politically correct was to express this to him, but I was desperate for him to say yes. it took him several days but finally he relented to my wishes and I found him surfing the Internet for beach houses.

We made a plan to not have a plan. He wanted to take a road trip and see places he had never seen before and just stay where ever we felt like at the time. My nature is to plan and schedule and have reservations. So this was a bit hard for me at first. I did want to make it a time to remember, and not because I would so cranky about not having a schedule. I sucked it up and went with it.

It was a 19 hour car ride to Galveston, Texas. 19 hours in a vehicle with 2 teenagers, an 8 year old and our dog. We got about 350 miles the first day and I had to stop. We checked into a hotel and got two adjoining rooms. While I tried to relax, the older kids were bickering and arguing over every little thing. After about a half hour, I decided everyone need a break and the girls and I went to the pool. It was a bit a rest for me fun for them and we had the whole place to ourselves.

After getting pizza, we came back to the room and fighting began all over again. I was at a loss as to how this family vacation was going to be memorable, enjoyable and anything equivalent to what I had envisioned for our "last chance." After a couple of hours, I just lost it. I yelled at everyone, told them all to just stop talking and go to bed, NOW! I screamed that we would just be going home tomorrow and that I didn't want to hear anymore from anyone tonight.

I shut off the lights an went to bed. Once again, hot bitter tears stung my face and soaked my pillow. Scott never said a word. He did not react to the kids or to me. He came and spooned me for about 20 minutes and finally retreated to the other bed in our room. I cried myself to sleep, alone in a hotel bed surrounded by my family who were supposed to be having the time of their lives.

Morning came.  I got up, got dressed silently and went to get the dog to take her outside. When I went to the kids room, they were all awake, staring at me. The youngest one, bravely asked if we were really going home this morning. I was still very upset. I knew I had a choice, but I was not the only one who had choices to make.

I confidently told my children that it would be up to them if we would go home or not. Then something came over me. I wanted to stop myself but knew that I had to live in the moment and be real. So reality came out of me full force.

I explained to my children that they had a choice to continue to be selfish or not. This trip was not all about them getting everything they individually wanted. This trip might just be the last time they get to be with their Dad in this way. It just might be the last family vacation we get to go on all together. It might just be the only opportunity the have to make these memories with the Dad they have known their whole lives. I didn't want them to waste this chance and throw it away like it doesn't matter, because it does!

I also told them that I needed this vacation. I needed this time with all of them to hold on to for later when times might be very tough. I will need something to look back on and know that we had some very good times that are worth cherishing. I asked them if they could not stop being so selfish for a short time and put other people before themselves and just be kind to each other. If not for me, then for their Dad.

Then I took the dog on a very long walk, alone.

About 45 minutes passed. I was coming up the walkway and met my almost 14 year old daughter on the path outside the hotel. With tears in her eyes she came to me and said, "Mom, I am so sorry." She melted into my arms and began to sob. I knew that she was sorry. I knew what I said had shaken her. We had a very in depth conversation and the take away was that we both understood each other. She understood that she had a choice in how she was going to perceive this experience. She could make the best of it, or the worst..it was up to her. She could ignore the irritations of her siblings. She could be kind instead of bitter. She could show compassion for others. I had faith in her that she has the ability to do these things and I told her as much.

We went back to the room. I explained to Scott what had happened and what I told the kids. He doesn't really react to anything. So he was fine with whatever, and I was completely annoyed at that. It really made no difference to him if we were going to Texas or home? Why was I making myself crazy for something he didn't seem to care one way or another about?

I had to ask myself was this for him, or was this for me. Again, I came back to my own selfishness. It was for me. But it was also for all of them, whether anyone else had the foresight to understand what I was trying to do or not. I needed them all to have something good to hold onto through the difficulties ahead. This was going to be for their own good and it seemed only I knew that, or cared about it. I had to swallow my bitterness and resentment and set that aside, but not until after I gave Scott a piece of my mind.

We packed up and headed out. I could feel the dread trailing behind. I was able to set it down and leave it for awhile and that felt so good. It was good to go away. It was honest and needed. It was practical. Vacation will never mean the same to me again. I have vowed to make it a priority, rather than a luxury that isn't needed. My family bonded in a way that they never have before.

Several times on this trip Scott uttered, "How can you put a price on this?" The truth is you can't. Memories for a lifetime were created. I will never forget the feeling of happiness that washed over me as I walked hand in hand on the beach with my little girl to collect sea shells, or watched my husband play in the surf with his children. I will always have those moments to recall and can literally close my eyes and be back there, no matter where this life decides to take me now.

It's not about the place, the money or the trip itself. It's really about taking time out, turning off the outside world and turning inward. We allowed ourselves to be with each other, just was we are. Laughing, eating, playing, and simply sharing the experience with other human beings that are in this with us.

Truly getting away and being allowed to forget for a time that life is changing and not what we anticipated, was a very welcomed and much needed experience. We are all hunting for hope, whether we want to or not. Hope is the only thing that will bring us through to the other side of whatever this is. Vacation forced us all to finally realize that.