Day 55

I was up at 5 this morning. Didn't get to sleep until after 1 am. The anticipation is the hardest part. I'm so scared and I know Scott is too but he refuses to talk about it at all. There was too much silence and uncertainty last night in my bed. 

But before trying to go to sleep we visited and laughed with my sweet aunt and mom who made another trip out here to be with us. I'm so grateful to have them here. I know I won't have to worry about the kids at all. They will be having too much fun with grandma and aunt grandma, as Scott refers to them. 

We are so grateful for all the people near and far who have been walking along side us through this journey so far. Thank you for all the encouragement, prayers, best wishes, offers of anything we need and your love. 

Today, I hope to get through with some nerve left. I woke not ready to deal with hospitals and doctors and all the medical paperwork. I am still laying in bed hoping somehow this pit in my stomach will go away. I know I have to face one of my greatest fears and I'm not quite sure how well I will be able to do it. 

We want nothing short of a miracle. I hope to be strong enough in all the ways Scott needs me to be. I hope to be unselfish and kind. I hope my children will be strong and helpful to each other. Most of all, I hope my love will somehow be enough and we will all make it through tomorrow and all be okay. Whatever that means.