Finding Our Way in the Dark

The ride home from the University hospital was awful. I cried so hard. I don't even remember anything but stopping at a McDonald's parking lot and waiting for Scott to come back out. He was hungry. I couldn't eat. I waited in the car and wondered if I had made a mistake letting him go in without me. What if he left? How could just slip right out the other side, hop into a big rig and run away from it all. I would want to do that.

I sat there and remembered how many years we have spent together. All the things we have been through. All the heartache and hurt feelings we had shared. I wondered how he could want to spend one more second with me, when he might only have a short time to live. Had I brought him down, held him back from living the life he really wanted to live? What if I had? Could I live with that now?

I looked in the rear view mirror and saw him walking back to the car with his bag of food. How could he be hungry right now? He just said that he was and needed to eat. He offered to share his fries with me, but the thought of eating made me sick. I just sat there and watched him eating his happy meal...I wondered if that was all there is to it. You get told that you most likely have a disease that will take your life and celebrate with a cheeseburger and fries. Why not?

I felt the urge to say exactly what I was thinking. "Have I held you back? Are you sorry you stayed with me?" The look in his eyes and his reply told me everything I needed to hear. "No, absolutely not. You are the best friend I have ever had."

We exchanged a few, "I'll love you forevers...and I can't imagine life without you." Then got very solemn. I knew I needed him to know that he truly is the love of my life and I would have never known true love, had it not been for all that he showed me. Then, we looked at each other and with the thought recognition we have grown accustom to, we both said, "How are we going to tell the kids?" My heart continued to break into a thousand pieces.

We have been at this very hard place before. Not knowing what to say, or how to say it. Not knowing how to help others understand what is happening and why. We both knew we had felt this all before and wished with every part of our souls that we didn't have to experience heartache of this magnitude again. But here we were.

We started the car and went home, with a plan to protect our children from this hurt somehow. Hope still alluding us.