Does That Make Me a Bad Mother?

Reflecting on why I didn’t want to tell my children what we had learned at the doctor’s office that day, I came realize how deeply personally I was taking this whole situation and how utterly selfish that really was. I didn’t want to tell them, because I wanted to make it easier for myself. I didn’t want to have to deal with their feelings on top of my own. I also knew that those feelings were selfish and began to tell myself I must be a bad mother.

But then I had to ask myself, does this situation define me as a mother or him as a father? My thought was at the time was, here I am the mighty mother, healer of all wounds... and I cannot not protect them or make this hurting stop! Doesn’t that, by definition, make me a failure? Would my ability to be good mother be taken from me by something I can do nothing about? Seems ridiculous when I write it out, but that's the truth. It wasn't about the fact that my husband might die, it was somehow about my fear that I really am a bad mother and if I tell my children this will confirm that I really have failed them.

Are you kidding me??? Nope. I'm not.

I had no way to process this. I was in utter chaos and confusion. I didn’t know which way was up. Then the words came flooding back, that I wasn’t going to do anyone any favors by trying to create an illusion. Shattered in every way possible, I had to figure out how to move forward. How could I possibly find the strength and courage to do all that needs to be done for myself, let alone everyone else? Then the negative thoughts confirmed to me that I must really be a failure because I didn’t know how to do this.

This isn’t about something I did or failed to do. This situation isn’t something Scott caused to happen either. We did not cause this happen. His brain tumor, according to the doctor, is completely spontaneous. There is no known cause, no known cure, nothing about it is related to anything he did or didn’t do. We have no control over the fact that this is now our reality. It’s not about my ability to be a good mother, or his ability to be a good father.

My selfish thoughts were completely put aside when we decided to meet this head on and tell the kids about the nature of the tumor, and that we were facing the possibility Scott could die. It was hard and we literally said, “This totally sucks. But we are in this suck together and we will do everything we possibly can to help you.”

Once everyone knew, once we had the time to process and openly grieve a bit, things calmed down and we were able to settle in to our new reality. Does it make it any less hard or painful? Absolutely not. But I have discovered that you begin to get a sense of emotions coming and going in waves and it starts to feel normal. I have to keep telling myself, this is just how it is now but it won’t always be this way. There will be new things, good and bad, that we will have to experience. I am choosing to find the bright spot in whatever moment I am in. This is how hope shows itself, however briefly. I know it’s there and it makes all the difference.

I need to know that I am not a bad mother, wife, and woman. This is not happening to us because of something we did or neglected to do. We are not somehow being punished. Life is complicated, messy, and spontaneous. There are a vast amount of things beyond our mortal control. Learning live with this understanding and still feel secure is a very delicate balancing act that I am nowhere near mastering. But I will continue to look for understanding where I can find it. I will let go of the things that are out of my control and live in the moment. For myself, for Scott and for our children I have to do this, no matter how much easier it might seem to give into the negativity.

In this moment, Scott is here, not currently experiencing any symptoms and I got to wake up next to him this morning and go to sleep with him last night. I get to laugh with him, and see the twinkle in his eye when he starts to think of something mischievous. I get to hear him say about a dozen times a day, “I love you.” I am able to say in return, I love you too and know that he knows exactly how I feel. I am able to be in all these moments with him. What a true gift that is. Right now, today, I get to have a sense that all is well. And for today, that is more than enough to get me through to the next challenge.

In the last 40 days I have come to understand some very significant things. We cannot evaluate the quality of someone's life by how long they are here. The measure of someone's life is simply that they lived, whether for a moment or a century makes no difference. The impact of one soul on another cannot be quantified by time, but rather by feeling. The extent of my feelings for this man and the family we have created is beyond my capacity to measure.

I have never known love like his before. This love has made me whole and nothing, not even death, can change or take that away. In that knowledge is where I finally found some tangible hope to hang onto and bring with me into this new life. I know that nothing about this makes me a bad mother. It just might be helping me be a better one.