The 25%

There are a lot of statistics about the success of relationships when one partner becomes seriously ill. Numerous people have actually said to me, "I don't know how you do it. It must be so hard to stay."

Yep. It's hard to stay but it would be harder to leave. When the thought creeps in of how easy it would be not to deal with this disease...I remember that life wasn't easy before this happened to us either. To measure the success of a relationship based on how easy or difficult it is, is pointless in the big scheme of things.

You must know sorrow to understand and embrace joy. Opposition in all things, is what makes us grow and reach beyond what we think we are capable of at the time.

Scott and I have been married for 17 years. All of them hard in one way or another. We don't live a fairy tale life by any means. We have fought, literally, to stay together. Every time the world says, "Why do you stay?" We show them and we grow stronger.

I read the other day that 75% percent of couples who have one spouse diagnosed with a serious illness, mental, physical, or terminal, do not stay together. Not because one spouse dies, but because one, or both leave the relationship. I wondered if this is really true.

Being sick or sharing a life with someone who is, to say the very least, is difficult on many levels for many reasons. No one is sheltered from a life altering diagnosis. It changes everything, and many people, it seems, don't have the ability to accept and grow with what comes.

The words to describe something so difficult don't come easy. Finding hope and hanging on when everyday seems more hopeless than the next, can be terrifying and exhausting. Giving up does seem easier at times, but giving up doesn't solve the problem.

At the end of the day, Scott still has brain cancer. I wish every moment of every day that he didn't, but he does. There is not much he or I can do to change that, outside of treatment and hope. The only way to win the war is to keep marching forward, so that's what we do. Right, wrong, or indifferent. We keep fighting.

We fight with each other. We have bad days. We struggle with depression, sadness, anger, and guilt. We feel sorry for each other and for our kids. This was not the way we planned to live our lives.

The way I see it, we have some options. We can leave...and he still has brain cancer. We can fight and argue, and guess what? He still has cancer. We can feel defeated and frustrated, letting all the negative in and surround us in it's unfairness...

Or

We can find ways to be thankful for the time we have together. We can embrace the life we have and make the best of it. We can keep our chins up and remember in the moments when it is hard, why we love each other in the first place and wanted to have a life together.

I say this all the time, nothing about this is easy. But I have come to realize that isn't true. Living with Scott, is easier than living without him. I know this. Some days are just brutal, no matter who you are or what you face.

Getting to have love in my life is something I cannot take for granted, no matter how hard it is to keep going. I won't just walk away because this isn't what I signed up for. The hope is, neither will Scott.

Days are getting better and better as time and healing goes on. We take them as they come and do our best. The thing I work on most is forgiving myself for the moments when I feel myself breaking. The moments I am so angry about the things I have to do now and the life I am still mourning, the times when I feel weak and afraid of what will be.

But they are usually just moments. I find if I can let them be and move through those times and not take up residence there, I can forgive myself and get on to something more productive.

I have learned, that even in suffering, love can shine through. When my faith fails me, I look for love and whenever I see it, there is hope waiting to be found right along with it. I don't know what the future brings, but I do know that the 25% of us who  make it through without leaving...

Are all in the best of company. Hopes finds those who look for it.