More Questions Than Answers

Yesterday we made the trek to Denver to see the neurologist again. Scott had another MRI done on Wednesday. The purpose was to compare the new scan to the previous and see what has changed. We were not nervous at all this time. We knew there was something different, or he would have had surgery last Friday as planned. So we were eager to hear more about what was new.

Dr. Lillehei came into the room and Scott lit up. He really likes his doctor. It's very hard not too, he is a great guy. Very engaging and personable. He just has a way about him we both like and trust. This is exactly what you want in a neurosurgeon, right?

He pulled up all the scans on the screen for us to see. There was the original MRI done on Feb 13. Then the CT done last Friday the 28th, along with the MRI from Wednesday April 3rd. As we looked, the doctor explained what he was looking at and what he expected to see. Scott kept looking to see if it was really his images we were looking at. It was.

The original pictures did not show the same things as the 2 newer ones. The MRI gives a much sharper image than the CT, but the CT showed a white spot that wasn't showing up on MRI. That was the game changer. That little spot indicates calcium, which is not normal in the brain. Calcium takes a long time to build. The doctor said it takes "at least 10 years" for tissue to calcify. But he was puzzled as to why it was not seen on the first scan. He also said something else that gave us the greatest hope of all.

"This tumor is evolving. Tumors typically grow, and worsen. They get bigger, not smaller." Apparently Scott's tumor, which still may not be tumor at all, is changing. It hasn't gotten bigger. In fact the area of contrast, the part that indicates tumor tissue, has reduced in size. "We don't see tumors do this. Once a tumor starts to grow, it doesn't just stop growing and go away on it's own. I still think we are looking at a tumor, but we need more time to see what it's doing."

Science cannot explain divine intervention, and to see it first hand is really something. We could say that the position was off on the first MRI and that's why the calcium didn't show up. We can say, it's not a tumor at all and that's why it's changing. We can justify it all this way and that. But what it comes down to for me, is that we have witnessed a miracle. Not just in the way the doctor has changed his mind about what we are dealing with here, but in the way our hearts have changed and turned toward something totally different.

We know we are not in charge of this existence. We get to choose while we are here, how it goes for the most part. But even then, there are just so many things beyond our control. We don't get to choose how and when we are born, to what families, in what part of the world. Some of life's circumstances are decided for us. What then? The choices then become based on what we know, and how we feel. Some people can change that, and some cannot. People choose to live the best life we can and do their best with what they have to work with, or not.

I know others whose circumstances harden their spirits and force themselves to live in bitterness or blame everyone and everything for the way their life has turned out. It's easy to give up on hope and say, "Life sucks." For the most part, life is hard, and rarely turns out the way we imagine it should. But we can, if we want to, find the good from moment to moment and build on it, and focus on it. What we focus on is what will grow. Focus on good, we will find more and more good in all things. Focus on the bad, and well....you will end up only seeing the negative in everyone and everything, because that is what you are looking for.

We find that hope is all around us now, because we are actively looking for it. In the same way the hunter knows his pray is all around. He is in their territory. He eats, sleeps and breathes with them, but not usually in plain sight. We are here, where hope lives. It's all around. In big things and in small. In things we can see and touch and those we cannot. The fear of the unknown is less suppressive now. I suppose it's because we have more understanding that we are not in total control and it's okay to go with it. Trust is about knowing that something or someone is there is help, and I know that now, more than ever which makes it far easier to let go and hope for the best.

There is a much larger picture for all of this that we may not ever get to see completely, or even come to understand fully. Right now, today, I know a few things. The man I have known for 16 years, died on Feb 10, 2014. A new man took his place on Feb 11. The angry, scared, frustrated man that woke up in the hospital and was treated for stroke, was not the same man I took in. Parts of him, returned, but parts of him did not. Feb 28, 2014 a brand new man was born. One full of love, hope and optimism.

I completely understand the term "born again." I realize it doesn't happen so drastically for everyone who feels born again. But going to the point of being told you are certainly going to die, well before your time, is something I can only imagine would give one cause to rethink their life to that point. And then to be saved. To be rescued from that death sentence. What sweet agony and relief. I imagine it is a new kind of birth. The kind you can remember. The kind that tells you, "You have a another chance."

None of us know how long we have to live. We are not promised tomorrow, no one is. When it's our time, it's our time and there is nothing any of us can do about that. Some are given knowledge before hand that time is limited. Others are just gone in an instant. I don't pretend to know what the purpose is for anyone. I only know that for us, having been through what we have, it has opened our eyes to the things in this life that are truly the most important. Scott is not the only one who has been given another chance. We all have.

Everyday we wake up, still alive, we each have the chance to be better than we were yesterday, no matter what our current circumstances are. Each of us get to choose to look for the hope that lives among us. We have the opportunity to prioritize the things that are most important and disregard the things that take us away from doing what we should for ourselves and those we love most. It doesn't have to come to a life or death situation for us to have the change of heart we need to be better than we were.

Start from here. Don't wait for a loved one to be taken. Don't wait for a better time or opportunity. We all have the chance, right now, in this very second to be "born again." Live the life you want. Be the person you know you need to be. Not for anyone else, but for yourself. Avoid the regret that comes from not doing what you can while you still have the ability to do it. It doesn't matter if it's one big change, or a thousand small changes you begin to make. What matters is to recognize change when it is needed, in whatever amount is required. And then DO IT!

Keep going. Keep looking up. The hunt is continual. You will find what you are looking for, if you work to do so. Don't give up. It's out there....

We have many more questions that won't be answered for quite some time. We have 8 weeks to wait for another MRI and doctor's visit. 2 more months of evolution to take place. Scott still can't return to work, he is restricted from many things his job requires. We are looking forward to seeing what all of this will mean. For now we are on this journey to begin again with what we now know about ourselves and each other. We have this opportunity to be better than we were before. We don't have any conclusive answers but they are out there...along with the hope that we can do this.