The Gift of Adversity

People keep telling me I should write a book. I don't know if I should or shouldn't. I do know that there are a lot of people on the hunt just like me, searching for hope and not quite sure if it's there for them. I have heard many accounts of others who are struggling with health issues, family problems, death of a loved one, financial problems, and general instability and unhappiness in their lives. I used to wish I had a magic wand to take all the trouble away from the world and specifically anyone that I love. But that would not serve the purpose we are here in this life to fulfill.

If everything were easy, we would never know how to overcome the difficulties presented to us. I think of children who must learn to eat, roll over, sit up, crawl and then walk. As a parent, I remember wanting to help my children along. I could have easily let them continue to drink milk, because meals don't get easier than that! I could have easily held them forever... because you can never get enough of that good baby smell. I could have continued to help them along, take away all the challenges and made it very easy on those babies of mine. It did seem easier at the time, to do it all.

However, my short sightedness would have hindered my children in the long run. I would have inadvertently taken from them the challenges they needed to learn and to grow. They would have never become independent. Instead they would have continued to require my assistance with every part of daily life.

Think about that for just a moment. Would that have really been easier for me? Easier for the child? Only easier in the short term. But as time goes on, life would become dreadfully difficult for both child and parent, if everything that was hard is taken away continually. Love would not grow the way it has over the years. Discontent and bitterness for a burden placed by doing everything for everyone, would certainly overshadow and drown out any good that might come along. I can see myself and my child absolutely miserable and completely unable to enjoy the things in life which come from growing and moving on. There certainly would be no more children!

I wanted desperately to take this burden from Scott. I wanted desperately to take it from myself and my kids.  But had I done that, somehow, I would have taken away the very thing we needed at the time. I would have taken away all that we have become and learned from this experience so far. I would have hindered our emotional and spiritual growth. That would not have been better for any of us in the long run.

I did feel guilty for thinking of letting myself be happy in the midst of such dark news. The same way I once felt guilty for letting my baby cry, so he could learn to self sooth. The same way I felt guilty for letting my baby fall, when learning to walk on his own.  I felt like I was betraying my husband in a way,  if I could find happiness in spite of all the sadness surrounding me. I had moments that I could actually see myself working through the stages of grief, and coming out okay. Not because I wanted him gone, or anything bad to happen. Of course not that. I have been through many, many hard times in life before. I have been to the depths of despair and felt like no one else could possibly understand my pain and suffering or love me unconditionally.

Because I made it through all that before, there was a reason for me to think that maybe I would be able to make it through this one too. Not knowing if it was okay to acknowledge hope,  was causing me more grief. As I  wrestled with these feelings, I new I had a decision to make. I needed to be able to give myself permission to be secure even though doing so made me feel guilty. I felt like the acceptable answer, other  people were looking for, was for me to fall completely apart and be a total mess. That just didn't feel right. I had to keep going. I did give myself permission to be okay, and lived with the guilt for a minute. I knew people might not understand, but that was alright.  I wasn't okay with the situation, I was okay with myself and there is a HUGE difference.

Going through other very difficult times, taught me that there were others who could understand and offer support for me. How would I have known that, unless I had been there? How could I recognize when others were reaching out to me unless I knew what to look for? Not only that, how would I be able to share with anyone else these tender feelings that only come through trial? I needed those other hard times in my life that led up to this point, to help me gain the strength to know when hope was there for me and my family and to have the courage to embrace it when the world seems to teach us not to.  I needed to understand loneliness, sorrow, rejection, hurt, anger, mistrust and all those negative feelings, so that I could learn to fight them off and be strong enough to withstand the pressures life is throwing at me now.

Even if I had wanted them too, no one else could do this for me. The same way Scott had to deal with facing death on his own, or the way my babies had to learn to walk.  I could not do it for them. I had to be strong enough to let them go and do it on their own. I didn't know I had it in me, until I was faced with it. That doesn't mean I wanted to let them go at all. I just had to face my fear and live in the truth of that moment with an understanding that I was not in charge and could not control the outcome. The only thing I can control is me. I can't stop bad things from happening. But I can stop them from destroying my confidence in who I am and what I am here to do.

I have had to face again some demons from my past which I thought were long buried, since the beginning of this whole thing. I have had to search my soul over and over again for purpose, for reasons, and for the ability to continue moving forward when every part of my being just wanted to freeze and never take another step. Watching Scott try to do that, and reflecting back on teaching my children to be independent, I realized that isn't the way it's meant to be.

I have to find a way to put all things in their place and take my own advice. Today, we are all okay. Today we are here together, and today we have much to do that isn't tumor related. Today, is today and not yesterday or tomorrow. The present is what we have right now. I read somewhere... that's why it's called a gift.