Changed Relationships

We are down to 4 more weeks of waiting for more test results. Scott's not sleeping at night. I didn't realize how much this would affect me. I totally took for granted all the nights we'd just got to sleep together and wake up the same way. You don't realize how intimate that really is, until it's disrupted. I have always missed him, if we have been away for work or hunting or whatever. But this seems different somehow. We always seemed in sync before.  Now we're trying to figure out how to get that back and it isn't working as well as I would like.

I miss him. And he's here. It makes no sense. It's hard and I hate it. He hates it. We have come to a place where we realize more than ever, that we are not in control of what is happening now. We can try to fight it, but there is no winning that fight, because it isn't up to us. We can't make it like it was. Too many factors are different. What we have to do now, is work on making this reality work better for us. It's work. No way around it.

In an earlier post, I mentioned this article The Things I Wish I Were Told When I Was Diagnosed With Cancer. I have found, that although we are not sure if we are facing cancer or not at this point, every single one of the things Jeff points out in his article is true for us.

Every relationship we have with others has changed, it's true. Some relationships have been reaffirmed. Some have gotten stronger. We have built new relationships with people. Sadly, some of our connections have deteriorated. A few people have shown us their worst. I'm not sure why exactly. I do know we are different as a result of what has happened here. This whole experience has changed us. That has to be expected I think. What was unexpected, is that some of the people we thought were the closest to us, are the very people who have turned away and or brought more sorrow and grief.

Is it intentional? Probably not. Or Maybe it is...I'm not sure. I do know that all we can do is put these new relationships, or lack thereof, into perspective and make a decision about how to move on.

I was sitting in church visiting with a dear woman, whom I've gotten to know a little over the past year. She was asking how I am doing with everything. I said to her things seem to be hard right now, but that I don't have a choice except to survive it well. She smiled and sweetly replied, "Oh... but my dear, you do have a choice." What this wonderful spirit pointed out to me, is something I already know. I don't have to be miserable, sorry, or negative. I do have a choice about how I feel and react. I can choose to survive it well...or not.

Some people can be downright mean, vicious or just plain nasty. Some assume that because I'm not a total mess every day, that everything is fine and we don't need any physical or emotional help. So also wrongly assume that we are above the sort of thing a medical fund was set up for.  I have also been told that no one will know to look at me that anything is wrong. Hummmm. Is that a compliment?

I always think it's my fault when others react to me in a negative way and I do know why. But even being aware doesn't instantly take away the sting from that initial feeling of thinking I am somehow responsible for the way other people treat me or my family. We have had many hard, bitter lessons to learn throughout this journey. Just when I think I have conquered and over come the most difficult, another, even more formidable obstacle appears to try and steal away any hope I might have left.Sometimes those things are mere circumstances. Other times, those seemingly insurmountable obstacles are the people we love the most.

Fear is real. Anger is part of the journey. I have accepted that. I just don't want to live in it. I try to recognize the fear and the anger for what it is and understand it's okay to be off balance when the unknown is presented. I just don't want to make decisions based on that fear or out of anger. I try to decide things based on what feels good and right to me, knowing full well that may not be good and right for anyone else. Even confident, well adjusted people, face fear and get really angry, at some point in their lives. This situation forced us to face our greatest and feel angry about a lot of things. It was the first time, I have ever seen Scott truly scared of anything, and that scared me too.

It wasn't fear of dying. This fear was not for himself. One fear was that he would leave us behind and not be able to take care of us the way he wanted. Another fear was that his children, all of them, would never truly know him or how much he loves and cares for each one. Yet another fear, was knowing he would have no choice in leaving and the damage that might do to all of us. He never thought in a million years anything like this would be happening to him and he didn't plan for it. His greatest fear was that he would be leaving behind a mess for me to deal with without him and as it turns out that was exactly what I was afraid too. Not because I wouldn't have him. But because I knew there were certain people I could no longer count on to be there for me in his place.

The fact is, we will both die someday. Hopefully not too soon. But if we do, we are better prepared for such a thing. Some of the relationships we have with the people closest to us have changed because they don't know how to deal with us... dealing with this. And that's okay. I am trying my best to be understanding of where they are, and the life experience they have to work with. It doesn't make it hurt any less. I can only hope that when their darkest hour comes, and it certainly will, that they have not made things so difficult for themselves that they are alone in that moment.

I am so grateful to all those who have stood by us, strengthened us and not judged us. We are so glad to know who we can count on and who we can't. I think we have come to the point in our story where we now know who to pull in, and who to leave out. I'm totally okay with that. A few months ago, contemplating letting go of people would have sent me into a depression for sure. I would have wrestled with the anxiety of not being favored by some. I would have lost a lot of sleep over how someone else feels I am living my life. But today is whole different story. I sleep perfectly fine, when Scott can sleep with me, thank you very much!

Today, I realize that there is only One who can understand the true suffering that comes in this life and in all the forms suffering takes. I can suffer and be miserable, or I can realize that all of this, and every kind of suffering man can do in this world...has already been suffered and "let it go." Why waste whatever precious time we have here, to live this life, on needless suffering? It seems we can "get busy living or get busy dying" and those really are the only two choices to be made.

Scott is choosing to live. I am choosing to live. Those that want to be a part of that, are welcome. Those that don't, we bid you farewell. We love everyone. Whether you love us back, is not the point. We appreciate all the prayers, the kind deeds, the thoughts, and well wishes we have received. We also appreciate all the relationships we have in our lives collectively and individually. Every one of our relationships have changed. Even our marriage and the relationship with our children has changed. For better or worse, these experiences continue to teach us lessons we need to know to become better, stronger, and more hopeful people, more willing to be compassionate and understanding of others.

We are quite literally imperfect people trying to live the best life we can, all things considered,while we still have the chance.  We won't please everyone. Everyone will not please us. That has never been our expectation. We started this journey with a death sentence. We were devastated. We had to literally hear that, and pick up and keep going. How this turns out, is not up to us. But how well we survive...well, that's our choice.