I have not been exactly where anyone else is or has been. I cannot know personally, every thought or feeling that someone else has. I am not saying it's easy. I can, however, have empathy for where someone else might be. I can relate to some of the things others are feeling or going through. Not because I have lived it exactly, but because I am a compassionate person, with full knowledge of what it feels like for me to have been through the things I have been through. I could choose to write about the darkness and difficulty of it all. However, that does not serve me or my purpose to dwell on those things. Can I relate to the evil in the world? No. Have I experienced it, and the extreme sadness it had caused in my own life and in the lives of those I love? Yes.
It's not all butterflies and rainbows in my world. I sure wish it were. I'm definitely one of those girls whose first crayon drawings were made up of colorful creations where only happy, pretty things and people I loved existed. I tried my best to capture the unicorns and sunshine, along with the flowers and happy faces that roamed free in my imagination because I realized much too soon, that most of these things did not really exist in my life unless I insist on them being here.
Someone said to me the other day that my blog doesn't talk much about Scott or how he is doing. I thought about that for a long time. At first, I took it personally that my message wasn't being received. Then, I felt offended at the perceived criticism. But after a minute of that, I knew that none of that mattered to me. If I were that same 6 year old with her crayons, ( and I am) I would have drawn a blue sky, some white fluffy clouds, a rainbow in those clouds, and a bright sun in the corner of the page. I would have drawn myself, and my friend holding hands, standing on green grass, with little flowers popping up. I would have drawn a tree, with a bright green top and a present between the two of us.
This picture would have brought me a lot of joy. I would have proudly displayed it on my fridge with a magnet until I could affectionately give it to my friend. I would have felt accomplished and good about myself. All worthy things for anyone to feel.
That's what this blog represents to me. I have had my share of critics who read my writing, the same way they would critique my drawing and say, There is no depth, the angle isn't right. It's a feeble attempt. You could have done this or that. You should have...blah....blah...blah.
I really hate it when people "should" all over me. A very wise friend gave me that one a few years ago. it means the same as the expletive, but has a kinder tone :) Anytime someone tells me, however well meaning it might be, what I should or should not be doing, I say in my mind, "don't should on me!" This reminder helps put things into perspective and I can move out of negative thinking and into action for myself. This is still very much a work in progress, however. I am still learning to trust myself and my instincts and not let people should on me. Although it happens, my response is quite different than it used to be.
I turned a corner that February evening, when I knew something was wrong with Scott. I was forced to take a stand, and literally save his life. I have been forced to take action like that before. And each time, I come to understand that I am capable, strong and willing to do what is necessary and right. Even in the midst of crisis. These experiences have taught me to trust myself, even when others don't.
I have also learned that what is, is. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks it "should" be like. I can't change what is. I can do my best to come out better than when I went in. Is it always possible in every single situation or scenario? I don't know, but I would guess that 99.9% of time it is possible to come out better than we went in if we are prepared to do the work necessary to make it so.
It's not about being right. For me the lesson is about knowing there is a reason we have instincts and intuition. There is a reason we have those moments when we think thoughts that may not be our own and we need to be able to hear, listen, trust and follow. It's the DOING that brings us closer to where we want to be.
This blog isn't about one persons health. It started out as way for me to keep those that were interested informed about Scott's condition because I didn't want to text, or email, or call hundreds of people. I didn't want to be responsible for leaving anyone out by mistake. I used this media as a way to accomplish that kind of communication, but it soon began to take on a whole new purpose. Not just for me, but for many reading along with me.
Scott is doing well. I am doing well. Our kids are doing well. We have each other and we are glad to all be here, right now. Our eyes and our hearts have been opened to changes we have all been forced, and asked to make. It's not easy. It's not what any of us wanted. We thought we were all just fine, going along as we were. But it turns out, we all had some big things to learn and we will continue to have opportunities to grow from this. We have a choice to survive well, or be victims or our circumstance. I am choosing, and I think I can speak for the rest of us, Scott included... that we are surviving well.
Does that mean we no longer have hard times, bad days, tough challenges to face and the daily grind of life goes away? Heck NO! All it means is that we continue to invite, search out, and accept hope for what it is. We all need it.
If you don't have a 6 year old to draw for you, I have here a picture you can print out and pin up somewhere you can see it. It doesn't make everything you are dealing with go away, but it does bring a smile and offers some innocent hope that things will not always be this way.
Picture this... a friend is giving you a gift on a warm sunny day, with butterflies and rainbows.
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