Hunting is Hunting

October is the elk hunt. He's prepared. He's day dreamed about the trophy. He knows exactly how to prepare the meat. He rehearses the path he needs to take and when. He's traveled the hills and knows every land mark. He has camp all set up. He gets there, completely prepared for what is coming. He heads out, like every scouting trip he has done, knowing full well that when he reaches the top of the next rise; he will be able to see the heard off in the distance in the valley below. He can smell them in the air. His breath pushes out of his lungs like a smoke signal.

He steps to the top of the hill and bends down to remove his backpack. He picks up his binoculars to glass the area below. As the dawn breaks, he breathes the cold air deep into his lungs and he whispers to himself, "Here we go!" The anticipation of all he has hoped, prepared for, and dreamed of, is about to become reality.

There is nothing but chilling silence. Peaceful anticipation rises to confusion when nothing is seen on the horizon. The elk have not made their presence known and the hunter is frustrated that this day is not going the same as all the ones before it. "What's different? Is it me? What have I done? Why would this happen to me?"

Shots ring out in the distance. The full sun lights up the sky and chill that once froze the morning dew is now gone. The soft dripping of melting ice sounds similar to a ticking clock telling my hunter to be quick and get to the next location before others do. As much work and preparation as he can do, has not resulted in what he had hoped. Anxiety from not getting his kill is setting in. Disappointment and self doubt begin to fill his mind. It's not fair and he deserves this. But what if it doesn't happen for him this year? Does he give up and quit trying? Is he jealous of other's success?

Maybe...

Why some people have all the luck and others have more challenges in this life is something I'm sure the creator will explain in enough detail to satisfy my angst. But not now. That will have to wait until my return and I know that's not today. So today I will do what I can to be prepared, go where I need to go and do all I need to do to be open to the possibilities that lay before me.

My life as I knew it, the life I planned and rehearsed for and worked hard to attain, has been changed forever by the events that have occurred since my hunter took his first ambulance ride almost 730 days ago. Its not just what has happened, but my perceptions of it all that have changed the course of my life. The reality is, there are more hard days than anyone should have to endure. Scott keeps reminding me that this is the same for most people, our reasons things seem so hard are just different. He didn't quit hunting when the opportunity wasn't present, he kept going, preparing, and being hopeful that next time would be successful.

It's hard to look at and talk about the messy, dirty, angry truth - I may have to live without him some day. I may be doing all of this to end up a widow. But so may every other wife out there - No one knows when their time is up. I just got a bit of a heads up I wish I didn't have. Do I feel bitter about it? Yes. Does it make me sad. Yes.

Do I have a right to feel cheated...I think so. Anyone would. I've just learned to work really hard at changing the focus of my feelings. Negative feelings come and I force them go. Sometimes they are fleeting thoughts and other times they move in and keep me from better things. I've learned a lot from giving myself permission to feel what I feel, say what I need to, write it down, then let it go. Trying not to feel is a more of a waste of energy which ends up being pretty destructive.

I get defensive, edgy, and loose my complete cool. My moods swing and I loose myself. I often say, Why us? What is this supposed to teach me, and why do our lessons seem so much more difficult than others around us? Oh that comparison thing... it gets me sometimes! I must confess, my family hears me yell, sees me cry, and feel me pull away to be alone to understand what I am doing and how I am going to cope from time to time. I don't have it all figured out and I don't pretend to.

The miracle here is that my family also sees me pull it all back together again and keep on going. They see me wipe my tears, apologize when I am wrong, take care of myself when I need to, and are learning that it's not about living a perfect life. It's not about getting what you want every time you search and hope for it. Its not about being good enough so that life is always good back to you.

I want my children to learn to have the courage to face what they don't know how to do and experience what life has to offer no matter how good or bad it may feel at the time. Having the fortitude to call things as they truly are, living with that kind of honesty, not making excuses, and not staying stuck in the yuck. This is how they will survive any challenges in life and still have joy along the way. Hunting is hunting, whether for bulls and bucks or joy and hope. The same mental strengths are required.

My husband hates that I write this blog. He can't listen to me talk about it. It drives him crazy. It's too real and painful for him. I asked him if he wanted me to stop writing and he told me no. "This is for other people, not me. Its too heartbreaking to hear how you feel and know there is nothing I can do about it."  This conversation sparked another where he realized that understanding how I really feel can help him know what to say or do to be more supportive of me and vice versa.

This is a huge deal. Caregivers often feel everything becomes about the person they are caring for and there is nothing left for them. This can happen in parenting and marriage too, not just illness and could be part of the reason divorce rates are so high. Scott just put the final board in a bridge we've been building across the gap of this illness for almost 2 years. Because of this breakthrough understanding, we can finally allow each other the freedom to be, feel, and express ourselves in the ways that make sense for us. We can each let go, because we have the security of knowing we won't fall into that chasm of difference, with a sure way to connect.

So, he doesn't like my blog, but wants me to keep doing it because writing about my feelings helps me. I used to begrudge his hunting trips, but he still went and we're still married. I've learned to appreciate the hunt for him. Not because I love it, but because it's necessary for him. We're finally on the same page.

Sometimes the hope is simply recognizing that no matter how painful, there is a beauty, a strength, loyalty, and a love that can come about no other way, than through a very difficult trial. Sometimes you get what you've worked for and sometimes you end up stronger with the benefit of knowing what to do next time. No matter how we could begrudge the harshness of this illness and the havoc it has wreaked on our lives,  we only truly appreciate what we have, by working in our own ways to keep it all together, and continue our hunt for hope.

Advice I Would Go Back and Give Myself

This post is inspired by a question a friend asked me after reading my last post. "If you could go back a year and share some wisdom with yourself a year ago that you've learned along the way what would it be?" 

I couldn't exactly sum it up in even a few short sentences. I decided in order to more fully answer this question it needed it's very own post. 

So Esther, this one's for you. I would go back and boldly tell myself: 

1- Don't give (or throw) away all the food in your house. 

Yep. I did that. Once we came home from the initial diagnosis and Scott was given a timeline to live; I read blog, after blog, and information from emails, and "friendly advice" people wanted to share about cancer and brain tumors. I wondered if we caused this by the kind of food we were eating. I gave more than $1000 worth of groceries to a neighbor with a large family. It did help them. And I was happy to be able to do that, but it really wasn't necessary for us.

We did make changes for the better. But getting rid of all the "bad" food was more symbolic than anything and I would tell myself to rethink that and adjust what we buy going forward instead of purging everything in one fell swoop. My kids still needed to eat and so do their friends. Teenagers eat a lot and I just ended up costing us more money replacing the food we got rid of. 

2- Don't get caught up in all the remedies that everyone else says will cure cancer. 

Did I find out a lot of information? Yes. But it took up a lot of valuable time and energy that could have been better spent playing games with my kids or spending time with my husband and saving the money we spent on remedies, for the extremely expensive treatments even the best health insurance just doesn't fully cover. 

Everyone has an opinion on what to do and what not to do for cancer, the same way they do for weight loss, financial freedom, real estate investing, network marketing, etc.  Let's just be totally honest here. Everyone has an opinion and  fix for everything, if you look hard enough for it. The bottom line is, some advice is helpful  and proven and some isn't. Some things other people do may fit your lifestyle and goals, and others just don't. 

Your best friend's aunt Sally, has a sister-in-law whose cousin's 5th grade teacher's husband says his cancer was cured by taking 5 of this and 4 of that, juicing the juice of the red berried ninny muggins from East China 4 times a day and mixing that with the wing of gnat precisely at midnight every night, while chanting over the concoction "Heal this cancer"... you get my point. 

I'm not saying it's all ridiculous but unless aunt Sally's sister-in-law's cousin's 5th grade teacher's husband is an expert oncologist with a current license to practice medicine, you might rethink wasting your time and valuable resources on things unproven and not backed up by empirical research and peer reviewed data. What works for some, doesn't work for all. Even in the world of proven cancer treatments.

Doctors don't have all the answers either, but common sense and valid studies of what treatment options are most effective seems a better course of action when deciding on how to go about treating any disease or disorder. There is, however, also a whole lot to be said for faith and searching your soul for what feels right to you. 

Everyone should spend some time soul searching for sure. Some of what feels right, goes against the empirical research and peer reviewed collegial data our there now. Some things, in my opinion, are just bigger than western medical science alone. Everyone has to individually choose what is best for them, based on their own knowledge and understanding of all the best options available. 

3- Don't worry about the people who leave or don't show up

This could all be summed  up by simply saying, "Don't worry." But saying that to myself is like telling the wind not to blow in Wyoming. It ain't gonna happen folks. So to be more specific, I need to remind myself that certain people will not magically be different than they have always been. Just because we perceive this as a tragedy in our life, doesn't mean others will and rise to the occasion. 


People will not change and step up because you need them too. They will only do this, if they need to. Remember it doesn't have anything to do with you, it's about them. It's okay to let go of expectations that create hard feelings and cause you to want to punch someone in the face. Think it all you want, just don't do it. Then... let them go. Those who truly love you will find a way to be in your life and those who don't, don't really matter anyway. 

4- Insist your family members be more independent

I used to have the time and energy to do for my family, things they could do for themselves. I had the idea if I provided certain services to them, even when they could do it themselves, this would grow their appreciation for me and we'd live happily ever after. I recognize now, that one of my "love languages" is service. I need to do things for others as a way to show my love for them and for myself. As in all things, I go big or go home.

Once I had to go to work full time, and find room for numerous doctors appointments, 6 hour round trips to Denver for follow ups, time to be home to monitor and provide round the clock care after brain surgery, and the daily household obligations like laundry, cooking, and grocery shopping...let alone the one on one time my kids need, or friends and other civic duties, it all gets to be overwhelming and seemingly impossible when added up. 

I'm supposed to be super woman and my "can do" attitude will somehow get me through and be enough, right? Wrong.

So, insist on people doing for themselves, ALL that they can. Say, "I'm tied up right now. You'll have to figure that out." There's no guilt for empowering independence. If all your spare time is sucked up by or even loving doled out to others, there will be nothing left for you. As a very wise and loving friend once told me, "You have to put yourself on the list."

5- Get your team together and know who can do what and when

Before this illness struck, my team consisted pretty much of me, myself, and I, and sometimes my husband and kids when I felt like I could get their help. But like many busy mom's,  I usually ended up doing most things myself because why waste time asking others to help me when it was much less hassle to do things my way, myself.  

Oh...outwardly nothing about this seems too out of the ordinary. But the only reason I went a hundred miles an hour in different directions, was to avoid confrontation, vulnerability, and rejection. 

I didn't want to be in a position where my requests might be ignored, overlooked or flat out denied. Why? Because being hurt like that would send me over the edge, and I couldn't afford to fall apart when I was so busy keeping everything together by myself. Vicious cycle.

Enter the team. 

I've mentioned my "go to"people before. They are a select group I know I can count on for a variety of things. Some people I go to for advice and moral support. Others I rely on for the more physical tasks I can't manage like fixing something broken or yard work, house work, or any other thing we can't do at the time, for whatever reason. 

And this is key....these people don't judge me. If I can't do my laundry and I need someone to do it for me, none of my people say things like, "Well why doesn't one of your kids just do it?" 

I also have people I can delegate some of my work responsibilities to, so I don't drop the ball in my professional life.  Another key is that I literally  have a TEAM of different people, for different tasks. I don't ask only one or two "trusted" people to do everything. Doing that will lead to the same burn out I get overwhelmed with, leaving me with no people willing to keep helping for the long haul. 

If I could go back a year, and tell myself something specific about this, I would say, "Don't judge what people will or won't do for you. If they say things like, let me know what you need, then just simply do it. If they don't come through, you will know not to put them on the list of "go to."  

Being self reliant doesn't mean never needing help. It's knowing how to weather life's storms and get things done. Delegation is a strength of a good leader.

6- Don't take things too personally 

I'm pretty good at saying, "What do you mean, don't take this personally? It's being said (or done) to me! How is it NOT personal?" 

Well...not everything in the world is about you, for you, or includes you.  This flawed thinking leads to a host of other relationship and communication problems. Can we say self-centered? 

If someone says something to you that isn't true, is mean, or disrespectful...don't automatically take it as a direct reflection of a personal failure on your part and don't assume they are talking about you directly.

Instead, look at the whole situation and everyone involved and rationalize whether or not you have any culpability. If so, own it and sincerely apologize and move on. If not, don't dwell on what is being said or done.

Their behavior might just be because they have a brain tumor that impairs judgement and other thinking processes (insert here what other reason might apply to your particular situation) and realize what they are doing or saying, might in fact have nothing what so ever to do with you at all. Believe it.

7- Insist on Joy

I heard this little tidbit about 11 months into this journey. I have feverishly been hunting for hope since the first night of this whole ordeal. But I had not necessarily been insisting on joy. I have hoped for it though.

I learned hoping for joy, through sorrow and pain, sometimes isn't quite enough. If we insist on it, then it must be present, for no other reason than we make it so.

I was planing to take my family on a trip for Christmas. I wanted to give them something meaningful, rather than just material stuff. Memories. Time together. Adventure. It may have been our last chance as a family, I thought. 

Anyone who's planned a family vacation knows there is a lot to consider when traveling with children. Especially to a foreign country. I had never done anything like this before and I was starting to regret my decision, the closer it got.

One of my go to people told me in order for me to really enjoy this trip, I was going to have to "insist on joy" or I would have a miserable time. I might want to change my expectation from "this is a once in a lifetime trip" to "we get to be together and we are going to see some things we've never seen in some places we've never been." 

From that conversation on, I began rethinking my strategy. I kept thinking, what if we get there, and Scott is sick, or one of the kids get sick. That would ruin the whole trip wouldn't it? Not if I insisted on joy. I plugged things in, just for me, that I wanted to do whether anyone else could or wanted to or not. 

I didn't make my trip totally dependent on what my family would or would not want to do. I thought this a bit selfish at first, but then quickly realized this vacation was as much for me as for everyone else. 

I didn't need to sacrifice myself totally for the sake of everyone else having the "time of their lives." I needed to insist on having the time of mine and do things that would bring me joy.

Insisting on joy changed everything. I did end up having the time of my life. And so did my family. Insisting on joy means even though we are currently surviving brain cancer...we are also doing, growing and being a thousand other things...all with the potential to bring about some kind of joy. I believe with my whole being that "Men [and women] are that they might have joy."

There's a famous cookbook called the "Joy of Cooking." Maybe you've heard of it? It's called this for a reason. It's a joy if you want it to be. It's a chore if you think it is. It's totally up to you.

So many other things in life are exactly the same way. Insist on it, and joy will fill your world, no matter what life throws your way.