Advice I Would Go Back and Give Myself

This post is inspired by a question a friend asked me after reading my last post. "If you could go back a year and share some wisdom with yourself a year ago that you've learned along the way what would it be?" 

I couldn't exactly sum it up in even a few short sentences. I decided in order to more fully answer this question it needed it's very own post. 

So Esther, this one's for you. I would go back and boldly tell myself: 

1- Don't give (or throw) away all the food in your house. 

Yep. I did that. Once we came home from the initial diagnosis and Scott was given a timeline to live; I read blog, after blog, and information from emails, and "friendly advice" people wanted to share about cancer and brain tumors. I wondered if we caused this by the kind of food we were eating. I gave more than $1000 worth of groceries to a neighbor with a large family. It did help them. And I was happy to be able to do that, but it really wasn't necessary for us.

We did make changes for the better. But getting rid of all the "bad" food was more symbolic than anything and I would tell myself to rethink that and adjust what we buy going forward instead of purging everything in one fell swoop. My kids still needed to eat and so do their friends. Teenagers eat a lot and I just ended up costing us more money replacing the food we got rid of. 

2- Don't get caught up in all the remedies that everyone else says will cure cancer. 

Did I find out a lot of information? Yes. But it took up a lot of valuable time and energy that could have been better spent playing games with my kids or spending time with my husband and saving the money we spent on remedies, for the extremely expensive treatments even the best health insurance just doesn't fully cover. 

Everyone has an opinion on what to do and what not to do for cancer, the same way they do for weight loss, financial freedom, real estate investing, network marketing, etc.  Let's just be totally honest here. Everyone has an opinion and  fix for everything, if you look hard enough for it. The bottom line is, some advice is helpful  and proven and some isn't. Some things other people do may fit your lifestyle and goals, and others just don't. 

Your best friend's aunt Sally, has a sister-in-law whose cousin's 5th grade teacher's husband says his cancer was cured by taking 5 of this and 4 of that, juicing the juice of the red berried ninny muggins from East China 4 times a day and mixing that with the wing of gnat precisely at midnight every night, while chanting over the concoction "Heal this cancer"... you get my point. 

I'm not saying it's all ridiculous but unless aunt Sally's sister-in-law's cousin's 5th grade teacher's husband is an expert oncologist with a current license to practice medicine, you might rethink wasting your time and valuable resources on things unproven and not backed up by empirical research and peer reviewed data. What works for some, doesn't work for all. Even in the world of proven cancer treatments.

Doctors don't have all the answers either, but common sense and valid studies of what treatment options are most effective seems a better course of action when deciding on how to go about treating any disease or disorder. There is, however, also a whole lot to be said for faith and searching your soul for what feels right to you. 

Everyone should spend some time soul searching for sure. Some of what feels right, goes against the empirical research and peer reviewed collegial data our there now. Some things, in my opinion, are just bigger than western medical science alone. Everyone has to individually choose what is best for them, based on their own knowledge and understanding of all the best options available. 

3- Don't worry about the people who leave or don't show up

This could all be summed  up by simply saying, "Don't worry." But saying that to myself is like telling the wind not to blow in Wyoming. It ain't gonna happen folks. So to be more specific, I need to remind myself that certain people will not magically be different than they have always been. Just because we perceive this as a tragedy in our life, doesn't mean others will and rise to the occasion. 


People will not change and step up because you need them too. They will only do this, if they need to. Remember it doesn't have anything to do with you, it's about them. It's okay to let go of expectations that create hard feelings and cause you to want to punch someone in the face. Think it all you want, just don't do it. Then... let them go. Those who truly love you will find a way to be in your life and those who don't, don't really matter anyway. 

4- Insist your family members be more independent

I used to have the time and energy to do for my family, things they could do for themselves. I had the idea if I provided certain services to them, even when they could do it themselves, this would grow their appreciation for me and we'd live happily ever after. I recognize now, that one of my "love languages" is service. I need to do things for others as a way to show my love for them and for myself. As in all things, I go big or go home.

Once I had to go to work full time, and find room for numerous doctors appointments, 6 hour round trips to Denver for follow ups, time to be home to monitor and provide round the clock care after brain surgery, and the daily household obligations like laundry, cooking, and grocery shopping...let alone the one on one time my kids need, or friends and other civic duties, it all gets to be overwhelming and seemingly impossible when added up. 

I'm supposed to be super woman and my "can do" attitude will somehow get me through and be enough, right? Wrong.

So, insist on people doing for themselves, ALL that they can. Say, "I'm tied up right now. You'll have to figure that out." There's no guilt for empowering independence. If all your spare time is sucked up by or even loving doled out to others, there will be nothing left for you. As a very wise and loving friend once told me, "You have to put yourself on the list."

5- Get your team together and know who can do what and when

Before this illness struck, my team consisted pretty much of me, myself, and I, and sometimes my husband and kids when I felt like I could get their help. But like many busy mom's,  I usually ended up doing most things myself because why waste time asking others to help me when it was much less hassle to do things my way, myself.  

Oh...outwardly nothing about this seems too out of the ordinary. But the only reason I went a hundred miles an hour in different directions, was to avoid confrontation, vulnerability, and rejection. 

I didn't want to be in a position where my requests might be ignored, overlooked or flat out denied. Why? Because being hurt like that would send me over the edge, and I couldn't afford to fall apart when I was so busy keeping everything together by myself. Vicious cycle.

Enter the team. 

I've mentioned my "go to"people before. They are a select group I know I can count on for a variety of things. Some people I go to for advice and moral support. Others I rely on for the more physical tasks I can't manage like fixing something broken or yard work, house work, or any other thing we can't do at the time, for whatever reason. 

And this is key....these people don't judge me. If I can't do my laundry and I need someone to do it for me, none of my people say things like, "Well why doesn't one of your kids just do it?" 

I also have people I can delegate some of my work responsibilities to, so I don't drop the ball in my professional life.  Another key is that I literally  have a TEAM of different people, for different tasks. I don't ask only one or two "trusted" people to do everything. Doing that will lead to the same burn out I get overwhelmed with, leaving me with no people willing to keep helping for the long haul. 

If I could go back a year, and tell myself something specific about this, I would say, "Don't judge what people will or won't do for you. If they say things like, let me know what you need, then just simply do it. If they don't come through, you will know not to put them on the list of "go to."  

Being self reliant doesn't mean never needing help. It's knowing how to weather life's storms and get things done. Delegation is a strength of a good leader.

6- Don't take things too personally 

I'm pretty good at saying, "What do you mean, don't take this personally? It's being said (or done) to me! How is it NOT personal?" 

Well...not everything in the world is about you, for you, or includes you.  This flawed thinking leads to a host of other relationship and communication problems. Can we say self-centered? 

If someone says something to you that isn't true, is mean, or disrespectful...don't automatically take it as a direct reflection of a personal failure on your part and don't assume they are talking about you directly.

Instead, look at the whole situation and everyone involved and rationalize whether or not you have any culpability. If so, own it and sincerely apologize and move on. If not, don't dwell on what is being said or done.

Their behavior might just be because they have a brain tumor that impairs judgement and other thinking processes (insert here what other reason might apply to your particular situation) and realize what they are doing or saying, might in fact have nothing what so ever to do with you at all. Believe it.

7- Insist on Joy

I heard this little tidbit about 11 months into this journey. I have feverishly been hunting for hope since the first night of this whole ordeal. But I had not necessarily been insisting on joy. I have hoped for it though.

I learned hoping for joy, through sorrow and pain, sometimes isn't quite enough. If we insist on it, then it must be present, for no other reason than we make it so.

I was planing to take my family on a trip for Christmas. I wanted to give them something meaningful, rather than just material stuff. Memories. Time together. Adventure. It may have been our last chance as a family, I thought. 

Anyone who's planned a family vacation knows there is a lot to consider when traveling with children. Especially to a foreign country. I had never done anything like this before and I was starting to regret my decision, the closer it got.

One of my go to people told me in order for me to really enjoy this trip, I was going to have to "insist on joy" or I would have a miserable time. I might want to change my expectation from "this is a once in a lifetime trip" to "we get to be together and we are going to see some things we've never seen in some places we've never been." 

From that conversation on, I began rethinking my strategy. I kept thinking, what if we get there, and Scott is sick, or one of the kids get sick. That would ruin the whole trip wouldn't it? Not if I insisted on joy. I plugged things in, just for me, that I wanted to do whether anyone else could or wanted to or not. 

I didn't make my trip totally dependent on what my family would or would not want to do. I thought this a bit selfish at first, but then quickly realized this vacation was as much for me as for everyone else. 

I didn't need to sacrifice myself totally for the sake of everyone else having the "time of their lives." I needed to insist on having the time of mine and do things that would bring me joy.

Insisting on joy changed everything. I did end up having the time of my life. And so did my family. Insisting on joy means even though we are currently surviving brain cancer...we are also doing, growing and being a thousand other things...all with the potential to bring about some kind of joy. I believe with my whole being that "Men [and women] are that they might have joy."

There's a famous cookbook called the "Joy of Cooking." Maybe you've heard of it? It's called this for a reason. It's a joy if you want it to be. It's a chore if you think it is. It's totally up to you.

So many other things in life are exactly the same way. Insist on it, and joy will fill your world, no matter what life throws your way.