Hunting is Hunting

October is the elk hunt. He's prepared. He's day dreamed about the trophy. He knows exactly how to prepare the meat. He rehearses the path he needs to take and when. He's traveled the hills and knows every land mark. He has camp all set up. He gets there, completely prepared for what is coming. He heads out, like every scouting trip he has done, knowing full well that when he reaches the top of the next rise; he will be able to see the heard off in the distance in the valley below. He can smell them in the air. His breath pushes out of his lungs like a smoke signal.

He steps to the top of the hill and bends down to remove his backpack. He picks up his binoculars to glass the area below. As the dawn breaks, he breathes the cold air deep into his lungs and he whispers to himself, "Here we go!" The anticipation of all he has hoped, prepared for, and dreamed of, is about to become reality.

There is nothing but chilling silence. Peaceful anticipation rises to confusion when nothing is seen on the horizon. The elk have not made their presence known and the hunter is frustrated that this day is not going the same as all the ones before it. "What's different? Is it me? What have I done? Why would this happen to me?"

Shots ring out in the distance. The full sun lights up the sky and chill that once froze the morning dew is now gone. The soft dripping of melting ice sounds similar to a ticking clock telling my hunter to be quick and get to the next location before others do. As much work and preparation as he can do, has not resulted in what he had hoped. Anxiety from not getting his kill is setting in. Disappointment and self doubt begin to fill his mind. It's not fair and he deserves this. But what if it doesn't happen for him this year? Does he give up and quit trying? Is he jealous of other's success?

Maybe...

Why some people have all the luck and others have more challenges in this life is something I'm sure the creator will explain in enough detail to satisfy my angst. But not now. That will have to wait until my return and I know that's not today. So today I will do what I can to be prepared, go where I need to go and do all I need to do to be open to the possibilities that lay before me.

My life as I knew it, the life I planned and rehearsed for and worked hard to attain, has been changed forever by the events that have occurred since my hunter took his first ambulance ride almost 730 days ago. Its not just what has happened, but my perceptions of it all that have changed the course of my life. The reality is, there are more hard days than anyone should have to endure. Scott keeps reminding me that this is the same for most people, our reasons things seem so hard are just different. He didn't quit hunting when the opportunity wasn't present, he kept going, preparing, and being hopeful that next time would be successful.

It's hard to look at and talk about the messy, dirty, angry truth - I may have to live without him some day. I may be doing all of this to end up a widow. But so may every other wife out there - No one knows when their time is up. I just got a bit of a heads up I wish I didn't have. Do I feel bitter about it? Yes. Does it make me sad. Yes.

Do I have a right to feel cheated...I think so. Anyone would. I've just learned to work really hard at changing the focus of my feelings. Negative feelings come and I force them go. Sometimes they are fleeting thoughts and other times they move in and keep me from better things. I've learned a lot from giving myself permission to feel what I feel, say what I need to, write it down, then let it go. Trying not to feel is a more of a waste of energy which ends up being pretty destructive.

I get defensive, edgy, and loose my complete cool. My moods swing and I loose myself. I often say, Why us? What is this supposed to teach me, and why do our lessons seem so much more difficult than others around us? Oh that comparison thing... it gets me sometimes! I must confess, my family hears me yell, sees me cry, and feel me pull away to be alone to understand what I am doing and how I am going to cope from time to time. I don't have it all figured out and I don't pretend to.

The miracle here is that my family also sees me pull it all back together again and keep on going. They see me wipe my tears, apologize when I am wrong, take care of myself when I need to, and are learning that it's not about living a perfect life. It's not about getting what you want every time you search and hope for it. Its not about being good enough so that life is always good back to you.

I want my children to learn to have the courage to face what they don't know how to do and experience what life has to offer no matter how good or bad it may feel at the time. Having the fortitude to call things as they truly are, living with that kind of honesty, not making excuses, and not staying stuck in the yuck. This is how they will survive any challenges in life and still have joy along the way. Hunting is hunting, whether for bulls and bucks or joy and hope. The same mental strengths are required.

My husband hates that I write this blog. He can't listen to me talk about it. It drives him crazy. It's too real and painful for him. I asked him if he wanted me to stop writing and he told me no. "This is for other people, not me. Its too heartbreaking to hear how you feel and know there is nothing I can do about it."  This conversation sparked another where he realized that understanding how I really feel can help him know what to say or do to be more supportive of me and vice versa.

This is a huge deal. Caregivers often feel everything becomes about the person they are caring for and there is nothing left for them. This can happen in parenting and marriage too, not just illness and could be part of the reason divorce rates are so high. Scott just put the final board in a bridge we've been building across the gap of this illness for almost 2 years. Because of this breakthrough understanding, we can finally allow each other the freedom to be, feel, and express ourselves in the ways that make sense for us. We can each let go, because we have the security of knowing we won't fall into that chasm of difference, with a sure way to connect.

So, he doesn't like my blog, but wants me to keep doing it because writing about my feelings helps me. I used to begrudge his hunting trips, but he still went and we're still married. I've learned to appreciate the hunt for him. Not because I love it, but because it's necessary for him. We're finally on the same page.

Sometimes the hope is simply recognizing that no matter how painful, there is a beauty, a strength, loyalty, and a love that can come about no other way, than through a very difficult trial. Sometimes you get what you've worked for and sometimes you end up stronger with the benefit of knowing what to do next time. No matter how we could begrudge the harshness of this illness and the havoc it has wreaked on our lives,  we only truly appreciate what we have, by working in our own ways to keep it all together, and continue our hunt for hope.