Mubar...It's the New Normal

There are so many things we have to be frustrated about. We have absolutely no idea what is going on with Scott. There are no definitive answers for what the mass is in his head, or why he is still having seizures. It could be a deadly brain tumor, it could be a virus, it could be something else entirely. We just have to keep waiting for another MRI and consult with the neurosurgeon to hear what he thinks will be the best course of action.

Our life is no where near normal. Totally mubar... is our new normal. If you don't know this acronym, its messed up beyond all recognition. Yes I know fubar is the real acronym, but I try really hard not to use that f-word. Humor helps keep me grounded. Scott and I tease about this tumor, this fresh hell we find ourselves in,  all the time. I know some people find it disturbing or irreverent. People will ask, "How's Scott doing?" I joke, "Well he's not dead, so I think he's good!"  I can't help it. It's just who I am and one of the reasons Scott and I get along so well. We make each other laugh. Truly, laugh. Even at things others do not find so funny.  It reminds us of all we have in common. This sense of humor and like mindedness is one of the gluey things that helps keep us together, even when everything else points to falling apart.

I think it's because there really is nothing else to do, besides cry. If my choices are cry and be sad, or laugh and be happy...I would rather find a reason to be happy because it just feels better. Even if I have to fake it.  I don't hide my emotions. I do feel them. I do get angry, I do feel sad. I have cried rivers. I think I cry at least once a day. But I laugh at least 10.

On top of having this health crisis, body issues and all my own baggage...we have two teenagers. TWO! At the same time! They are really good at pointing out hypocrisy and telling us we don't understand teenage life. Most days are great. Some days, I completely understand why some animals eat their young, or abandon them at birth....but only some days.

So... how are the kids?

Most days, they take their cues from us and seem perfectly fine. They too use humor to combat the yuckiness of this deal. Underneath it all, they feel all the stress, pressure, and fear that we do. I wish I could take it from them and knowing we can't, adds to the difficulty for all of us. They are at a point where they want to live their own lives and not be tied to home and family as much. They have friends, activities, school and social lives. The older ones struggle between being carefree teens and young people with very heavy burdens.

I think having to learn to live with uncertainty has forced our young to grow up in ways they probably wouldn't have had to quite yet. But they have become such great teachers. I would have missed this, if I wasn't really looking for it. Some of the greatest lessons I have learned through this experience so far, have come from our children.

Because they are teenagers, and do what teens do naturally, they have shown me that even when things are at their very worst, you still have to take care of yourself. They've taught me you don't have to dwell on what you can't control or change. They show me that surrounding yourself with friends and people you care about, and who care about you, is really important. They have also demonstrated a time or two,  that sometimes, you just need extra whipped cream and all the candy bits on that second ice cream sunday. It's okay because no one is counting, or caring, or worried that it will show up later, it just feels good! So go with it for a minute.

Our 8 year old, who is obviously not a teenager, teaches me that no matter what age a person is, they can have this inherent ability to see a need a fill it. She will often be the one to reach out and offer a hug, a love note, or a genuine smile, simply reaffirming the love that's been shown to her every moment since she was conceived. Her quiet gentle way, gives me strength to continue during times I think I might want to just quit.

Most importantly, all our children show us how to be strong in the face of fear. They show us by their example, how to live... truly live in the moment. They are not afraid of the consequences of choosing to be happy in spite of our circumstances. They can laugh just because they find something funny...no other reason necessary. It feels good, it helps ease the tension, so why NOT?

I cannot thank them enough. Our children, keep helping me find hope, because although life is not the same as it was, it has continued. I think we're laughing, growing, learning, and trying to become more patient  and understanding with each other. This part of our whole life experience...has yet to be determined by our children. Eventually, when they do look back on the mubar situation this became, they will see that what stayed normal was the love Scott and I share for them. And that will be enough.