The Longest 8 Weeks Ever...Just Got Longer.

Today we were scheduled to see Dr. Lillihei at the University of Colorado for another consultation. Scott had another MRI done Friday. This makes number 4. Since the prior surgery was cancelled, and new information has come to light, we opted to "wait and see." We were hoping we would have more answers and plan of action today. But the appointment was cancelled and we haven't been able to reschedule yet.

The result of waiting to see, has been for lack of better term, excruciating. We have lived with this unknown for months now. I have learned to put things aside, for the first time in my life. I've said before, patience is not one of my virtues. However, I can now undoubtedly testify that with enough stress, time, and no other options, one can most assuredly acquire this sacred virtue. Patience, is something I believe we are conditioned to have more or less of, depending on the circumstances placed in our path.

Scott has had the patience of a Saint, from the moment I met him. He has a quiet way with me and with our children that is not obvious, and often goes unnoticed. For almost 16 years, I took this virtue of his somewhat for granted. It is not something that always stands out to me, because this is the way I have always known him. What has always stood out, is his uncanny ability to put things aside. Sometimes, this is a blessing and a lesson to me. Other times, I have been annoyed by his way. It can come across as aloof, or uncaring. I know better now.

Since Scott has been at home for more than 4 months now, I have begun to recognize there  things I can no longer afford to take for granted simply because they have always been. It seems such a tragic thing to admit, that I have had the most patient and forgiving husband, who has always shown more patience than he gets. I think I have had to endure this trial, in part, to understand the value of the small things I take for granted and that have even annoyed me at times.

This trial for Scott has been extremely challenging. It has challenged his beliefs about who he is, or thought he was to himself and to us. It has brought up many barriers that he never thought he would have to think about how to overcome. Scott has been very, very patient through it all. At first, I thought it was that he didn't understand. I know he understands. He chooses to keep things to himself, not because he wants to be distant, but because he doesn't want to burden any of us with his inner turmoil.

When I have a bad day, he just knows I am having bad day and never makes me feel like I should not have it. He rarely gets angry. He always says, "I love you." Scott lives with this thing inside his head that has changed many things in our lives. But the one constant, is his ability to wait it out and not let the outside world know he is in turmoil. I admire his strength, his courage, and his grace under pressure of this magnitude.

I know this is what makes him such a great hunter. He could sit for hours if he had to. Still and quiet, deliberate in his movements and actions. This translates to every other part of his life. He doesn't make hasty decisions. He takes his time and waits things out. He says very little, keeping anything that will scare off the prey, to himself, unless absolutely necessary. He must, in the moment, without hesitation decide when and where to aim, and must hold hold steady for as long as it takes for the "kill shot" to come into his view.

I have learned a great deal from this man. I will never be able to fully articulate the things he has taught me without saying a word. I have learned, through all of this, that we can stand our ground and wait it out, with patience and kindness towards each other, or, we can be angry, hostile and stressed out completely. I've tried both ways. Frankly, I much prefer the calm peace which comes from just waiting to see what comes up next and dealing with things as they happen. It's a way of living with the "what is" instead of the "what if."

Acceptance and patience seem to go hand in hand. I can't say I have fully accepted what this is, because we really don't know yet. Knowing there might have been more answers today, gave me hope to continue to be patient with ourselves, each other and our children, as well all of you who are supporting us in your own ways though this hard time.

The hunt continues.... we will patiently wait for another appointment with the doctor for answers that will bring us closer to knowing what to do and how to do it. We know it won't be easy, whatever it is. This is where not only patience, but hope comes in.