16 Years and Counting!

Today is our 16th  wedding anniversary. Scott bought me 16 beautiful red roses and a card with the words, "Love Note" in the title, and a balloon that says I love you. Such a sweet gesture! We are still here, still waiting, and still hopeful. This anniversary is different for me in many ways than years before. We usually take turns planning events for each other. You would think we would be especially mindful of the this one, since we have been through so much this year.

Turns out, it could have been just another day. There is not much hoopla around here, aside from the love bouquet.  Not because we don't want there to be, but because it is just plain hard to find reasons to celebrate in that way, being so exhausted from the stress that comes from daily living with this unknown and illness. I don't mean to sound ungrateful or disconnected, but I do think this year it would be really great if we both just had a day off from all of this. That would really be a reason to celebrate!

The anniversary itself is wonderful. We have made it this far, still in love, still want to live together, and still discovering new things about each other and about this life we live. I used to think up all sorts of extravagant ideas, to show my love. These days, my extravagance is more about just showing up and being present in the here and now, no matter how difficult it is. The extraordinary part of it all is how much I really just want to get in my car and drive away from it all and I don't. I'm here for the long haul.  I get that people want me to celebrate. It's important. I just want a minute to breathe, and not have to worry about what is coming next. But alas, that is not to be just yet.

So instead, I am grateful for the relationship we have, and the love we share. I'm glad we've made it to 16 years in an age when it's totally acceptable to divorce because things get hard or even when things stop being hard and just get boring, or when people change, or don't.  I am proud of the fact our children know how much we love each other, even when they have seen us argue and fall apart. They also get to see us kiss and make up, compromise, and start again.

We are living a real life and I am proud of that. It's hard and messy and imperfect. It's sad at times, and lonely and, beautiful and fun, and, and, and....our children get to experience it all and know what to expect when it's their turn. It's not a fantasy. It's not all good and it's not all bad. It's mostly satisfying, with bits that aren't. My hope is that they will know just how hard it is, what it takes to make it work and will be better prepared to make the necessary commitments to have the same enduring love that we do, with all the parts and pieces that make it unique. 

Being married to Scott is one of the greatest gifts and joys of my life. I am so happy to have made it to today with him. I wanted to forget about it and pretend it wasn't here already. It would have been easier in some ways to go about my business and not have to think about the anniversary of June 12, 1998, the day we eloped to Reno and got married at the Candle Light Wedding Chapel. I didn't want to be reminded of when it was so easy to just be happy, because it takes a lot more effort now. That day was our first and only limo ride. We took it to the court house to get our marriage certificate, because it was included in the package.

We got this one teeny polaroid picture ( I can't believe they still had those then!) and we were official. When I think about that day, I am still filled with hope, love, and certainty. There were no cold feet for either one of us. We knew it was meant to be. There was and still are absolutely no doubts. There is, however,  some sadness for just how hard things would turn out to be.

When I think back to how we met, it still makes me laugh. Not many men would go to the mall with his soon to be girlfriend and her best friend, knowing full well the bestie was only there to check him out and okay him to continue or not. Scott was totally up for anything. He was easy to talk to, easy to listen to, and easy to look at. He was just plain easy going. It was easy to be with him, because it felt like we knew each other already. He knew my heart, and knew what I wanted, without me ever having to say it first.

I find all of these things a bit harder to remember today. Not because I love him any less, but because I am still so scared I will loose him. I don't want to miss anything, and yet I am exhausted from trying to keep up with everything.  I am edgy and easily annoyed. I don't want to listen, or talk, or even look because I know it could all be different tomorrow.  5 months ago, those thoughts never entered my mind. I want to scream. I want to hold onto those days when things were just so easy and more care free and I was certain I would hold him forever. 

This anniversary has reminded me of the things I will probably never have again, in the ways I had them before. I was angry when this thought first hit me and that's why it was hard to think about celebrating this day at all.  It seemed a bitterer reminder of all I have lost. But in the moments I had to just sit and be with myself today, I remembered that although things are different, and won't ever be the same...it doesn't mean they are bad. Although I may not know how much time I have with him, none of us ever do.This isn't something to be bitter about. It's something I can accept as real life and don't let it get in the way of living.

I have a man who loves me, and I love him dearly. We have a family worth every bit of sacrifice we have made to get here. I don't know who or what I would be without these relationships, just the way they are, especially this man of mine. He has loved me in ways I could have never imagined possible. I am able to truly say, I'm so blessed to be with him today. I'm so happy for this whole experience of being Scott's wife and the mother of his children. 

Today and everyday is a celebration because we have each other. Whether that is for one more day, or 40 more years, each new day is a chance to experience whatever this  life has to offer and become better people for it. 

Happy 16th Anniversary to us! May we continue to be blessed with many, many more.