The Ebb and Flow of Grief is the Essance of Hope

To write a blog and share with the world, or the one or two of you who are reading this, is quite an interesting thing for me. It started as a way to keep family and friends updated on Scott's condition so I wouldn't have to text the same thing 100 times or answer email and phone calls to give information about what is going on in the middle of handling a bazzillion other things. And let's face it. I'm emotional. It gets old to hear, "How are you doing?" When the real answer is far more complicated than most people want to hear in the moment.

As the months have passed and my  husband's "condition" has neither changed or worsened, people have gone on about their lives, becoming less and less interested in the day to day of the Cooley's. It's not that interesting, I know..we live it. So even though my initial need has changed, I still find myself with a need to write. Not because there is anything compelling or spectacular, but rather the contrary. It's all just really regular. I suppose if I'm being really honest, and you already know I am... I just want someone somewhere to know that life, where ever you live it or what you have going for you or don't,  is hard for everyone. Brain tumors or not.

No matter the circumstances we face, there seems to be a big scheme to see what we can learn, how we need to learn it and what we are going to do with what we have in front of us. I do know there is a purpose. The clear message that's been given to me through this,  has opened my eyes and changed my perspective about how I'm choosing to face all of life's challenges from here on out.

We seem to go through all the emotions of life, in whatever capacity we do, to be faced with ourselves and to struggle with ourselves, in an effort to create something from nothing. And sometimes, the only purpose for our grief or pain is literally to help someone else learn something. We are, (okay maybe this is just me)  complete narcissists because we often think there must be something in it for us. Why else would this be happening? Why else indeed.

I don't know about you. but I create all kinds of happy places and good intentions for myself on a regular basis. Mostly, to give myself a break from whatever hard thing is staring me in the face at the moment. There is so much pressure to be a certain way, have a certain lifestyle, eat the right diet, exercise the right amount, pin the most popular posts, or create the most shared, like, pinned, tweeted, instagramed statuses and what have you. I'm not there by any measure of the world's current standards.

But the minute I begin pulling out the invite list to my pitty party, I realize it's a pretty short list. And I don't want pitty anyway. Remember those "How are you?" statements complete with frowny faces, make me simply crazy. So pitty, please...

I know no matter what happens, that in the end I'm not stuck here in grief or pain. I am not forced to live a life of unhappy endings. I can chose to dip my toe back in  and go as gradually as I need to  and go with the full force of life, or I can sit back and wait for it come for me. Because now matter which way I chose, it will come. The ebb and flow of grief, or any human emotion is that way for a reason. Once it comes back to us, or we get back to it, we can take a bit more, go a bit farther, get a bit stronger and last a bit longer each and every time.

That seems so much more merciful than to be forced to  soak in all the required learning all at once. Anyone who's ever been  student of anything, knows that isn't how true learning occurs. Line upon line. Precept upon precept. This is a true universal concept, no matter what your personal or spiritual beliefs are. The universe is set up in such a magnificent way, to keep bringing things around, in it's own time and when it is right for us to learn, so we have infinite chances to  discover, over and over again. So we can take in the relevant bits we need in that moment and apply them in a logical way.

It's the only explanation that makes sense for all the seemingly senseless things we humans have endure on a regular basis. What I've discovered is the ebb  and flow is the very essence of what breeds hope. Without this coming and going, there would only be absolutes. No hope. No faith. No real growth. Only believing in what we see, and never really understanding ourselves or each other on a deeper level. There would be no benefit of the doubt, no wait and see, no real discoveries.

Will things be hard? You betcha. Will life always be what we want or how we want it? Nope, not even close for most of us. Life really does seem so unfair if you look only at events and circumstances. When we can see the bigger picture,  often only through adversity,  is when we are open to understanding a master plan at work that involves us having many more chances to grow stronger, help others, be better, do better, and LIVE a full life. No matter how long we've got.